Jokes News

Top Ten Signs You’ve Bought A Bootleged Copy of Titanic…

10. Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it’s some guy named “Leocarpo Dinardio.”

9. Movie ends; boat doesn’t sink.

8. You’re pretty sure the original version didn’t include a guy smoking weed in the front row.

7. Since when did Celine Dion’s theme song begin with “Love…exciting and new…”

6. It’s rated X, and the first three letters of the title are suspiciously capitalized.

5. Stella won’t get into a lifeboat without her groove.

4. In first two minutes of movie, “Jack” character says, “Hello, and welcome to ‘Bassmasters’.”

3. The ship explodes after its speed falls below 50 miles per hour.

2. You could have sworn Tommy Lee wasn’t in the original.

1. You live in Mother Russia.

There were two Jewish woman (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, “My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.”

Golda says to Ruth, “Do you have any idea what this herpes is and can he catch it?”

Ruth answers, “No, but I am so thrilled to hear about Irving’s engagement. It’s past time he’s settled. As far as the herpes goes…who knows?”

“Well,” Golda says, “I have a very fine medical dictionary at home–I’ll look it up and call you.”

So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth…”Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the Gentiles!!!”

What to wear often has implications — depending on the generation involved.

A 16-year-old girl buys herself a very skimpy bikini. Modeling it for her mother, she asks: “So, Mom, what do you think?”

Her mother replies, “I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you’d be five years older!”

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”

She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt, I should scream.”

“You’re absolutely right, sweetheart,” the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

“Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.

“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”

“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full.”

During the Nazi invasion of France, there was a little old lady who owned a parrot. This parrot was trained to say “Death to Hitler!”. Well, one day, the Gestapo come into her house, and the parrot yells his phrase. The Nazi’s are taken a little by surprise and tell her that if by the next time they show up, the parrot isn’t reeducated, they will kill them both.

So the lady goes to church and explans her situation to the priest, who also owns a parrot. He suggests that they trade birds until the next time the Gestapo comes.

Well, the Nazi’s come the next day and the parrot is just sitting there being quiet. So one of the Nazis goes up to it and, trying to trigger the parrot, screams “Death to Hitler!”

The parrot peacefully replies: “God WILL hear your prayers, my son.”

“And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action?” asked the man’s attorney in the divorce hearing.

“All through our marriage, my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives,” replied the husband. “The clincher came one morning at the breakfast table.”

“Why? What happened?”

“She announced, ‘Just so you don’t get your hopes up for tonight, I’m already beginning to get a headache.’”

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Why wasn’t Jesus Christ born in Australia?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

A cop stops a blond woman who was driving down a motorway.

“Miss, may I see your driver’s license please?”
“Driver’s license, what’s that?”
“It’s a little card with your picture on it.”
“Oh, duh here it is.”
“May I have your car insurance?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.”
“Oh this? Duh! Here you go.”
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blond exclaims:
“Oh no, not another breathalizer test!”

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m chewing somethin up, all the pieces are mine, too.

7. If it just looks like mine, then it is mine!

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, and I broke it, it’s yours.