Jokes News

One day a conservative Presidential candidate decided that he needed more exposure in front of the farming community of the country. So, he set out on his journey across America to visit different agricultural communities.

As he was traveling down a dirt road in a small town his eyes fell upon a farmer working out in his field. He decided that this was as good a place as any to start his campaigning, and so he parked his car and went over to meet the farmer.

He introduced himself, and asked it he could present his campaign speech to the farmer.

“Sure,” said the farmer. “Would it be alright if I invited my wife and some of our friends from town to listen as well?”

“Absolutely”, replied the politician, who by now was excited at the possibility of speaking to a crowd of people.

“Is there a place from which I may address the people?” he asked.

“Well we don’t have a podium as such, seeing as this here is farm land, but I suppose you could use that manure pile over there,” the farmer replied.

The politician thought that this was somewhat un-orthodox, but not wanting to offend the farmer he agreed.

Later that evening a crowd of townfolk were gathered to hear what the politician had to say. They listened intently, and when it was finished they clapped and cheered.

Having completed his speech he thanked the people and went over to the farmer and asked, “What part of the speech do you think the people liked the best?”

“I dunno,” said the farmer. “These people don’t pay much attention to politics, but this is the first time we have ever heard a Republican speech from a Democratic Platform.”

What kind of condoms does Monica use?

President’s Choice

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

When my brother said, “Amen” after grace one night, one of his children asked what “Amen” meant.

Before he or his wife could answer, their five-year-old responded, “It means, ‘Send.’”

Blonde Sally told her friend, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”

…tape a dildo under a glass table…

A magician working on a small cruise ship has been doing the same routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences still appreciate him, as they change over often enough that he doesn’t have to worry about learning new tricks. However, the ship’s parrot sits in the back row of every show and watches him night after night, year after year.

Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks “Behind his back! Behind his back!”
The magician gets quite annoyed at this, but doesn’t know what to do. As ship’s mascot, it could not be barred from the lounge, even for the duration of his shows.
One day the ship sprang a leak and sank. The magician managed to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabbed on. Who should be there but the parrot, sitting on the other end of the plank.

“OK, I give up,” says the parrot after a moment. ” Where did you hide the ship?”

One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, “I will grant you three wishes, Master!”

The man was so happy, his first wish was, “I want 100 billion dollars!!!!!!”

“Your wish has been granted, $100 billion is now in your bank account.”

The man was even happier. “I want beautiful women!”

“Your wish has been granted,” the genie said. All of these beautiful women appeared.

“This is great!” said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. “I can’t think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?”

“Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted.”

The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.

“Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr……”

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your Father.I think he’s in the garage”.

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you”.

Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it to disguise her biological odour and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, “Where’s Susie?”

Little girl said, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home”.

A few days ago, I got up, brushed my teeth and got dressed. As I zipped and buttoned up my jeans, I found that they were actually loose. I was so thrilled that my new healthy eating habits were finally starting to pay off!

All morning I strutted around feeling so proud, as I kept pulling up my jeans. I thought I might have to start buying a smaller size.

Well, my euphoria came to a screeching halt when I went to the potty and saw the size tag.

They were my husband’s jeans!!!