Jokes News

A man is tired of having to do everything for himself around his house, so one day he goes down to his local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do chores for him.

The pet shop owner offers the man a dog, and the man replies, saying “Dogs are dirty animals, what else do you have?” The owner says “What about a cat?” to which the man replies, “Cats are too lazy”

The owner then says “OK, here take this centipede, it will serve you well.” The man looks puzzled but takes the owners word for it.

So he takes it home and to his surprise, the centipede washes the dishes, does the laundry, cooks him dinner and vacuums the house.

So the next morning the man tells the centipede to go down to the local shop and buy him the daily newspaper. The man then settles back down into his chair and puts the tv on.

Half an hour later and the newspaper has not arrived yet, so the man thinks that something must have gone wrong, maybe it got hit by a car or crushed by a tree. So he gets up and walks out into the hallway where he finds the centipede sitting on the stairs.

The man says, “I told you to go and get me my paper, half an hour ago, and you’re still here, what’s wrong with you?”

To which the centipede replied, “Give me a chance, I had to get my shoes on!”

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give you a job. I don’t need
much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the
right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much
help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car
around it.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly
the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then issues the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny. “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You see, I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going, and, in fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“Quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful,” said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

“Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, “Well, you’re scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I’d say you must be an attorney.”

There are two guys playing golf, and they both hit their balls way into the rough. They agree to go find their balls and meet on the fairway later.

The first guy is pretty sure he hit his into the big patch of buttercups, so he goes over and starts beating the hell out of the buttercups with his club looking for his ball.

All of a sudden, an angel comes down from heaven and tells him that he can NEVER have any butter again for ruining one of God’s creations in such a manner.

The guy doesn’t care and goes back to the fairway to tell his friend what happened. He told him and then his friend says, “You think that’s bad? I hit my ball into the pussywillows!”

There was a young lady from France
Who decided she’d just take a chance.
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

Mr Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
And were you spied by prying eyes?

Mr Clinton:

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join-even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!

Mr Starr:

Did you smile? Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
Did you hug and did you kiss
This young Lewinsky miss?
Did you go and make a mess?
Did you soil her brand new dress?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

Mr. Clinton:

That is it, you’ve gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
This bad dream I want to bury,
I will tell the Grand Jury!
I will tell them what we did,
I will tell them where we hid.
I will tell them everything,
Of this hot and torrid fling!

Mr. Starr:

So you did it, you admit!
You bared your johnson to that twit.
We have the dress, we have a case
The Oval Office was the place.
Though she promised not to slip
She blabbed it all to Linda Tripp.
For your crimes of deceit,
They’ll start the process to impeach.

Mr. Clinton:

From my country, I beg of thee,
Give me trust and sympathy.
There was a moment I was weak,
Some satisfaction I did seek.
How was I to run this nation,
While Hillary took vacation.
Monica was there for me,
She’s not a model, I agree.

Mr. Starr:

I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
Beg and grovel all you choose
But in the end you will lose.
For Monica I do not care,
What comes of her and that hair.
But in hist’ry I’ll go far,
For I am Starr, STAR I ARE!

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”

He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil,
this one’s black.”

A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake and retrieved his clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag — then threw the clubs back into the water.

If you receive and e-mail with a subject line of “Armageddon”, delete it immediately without ever reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus the earth has ever seen.

It will re-write your hard drive in Braille. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and low-fat milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.

It will give your chatty ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

It will give you erotic nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will reach out beyond the grave to sully the reputations of your dearly departed.

“Armageddon” will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. You will suffer the agony of psoriasis. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

This virus will cause your nose to run uncontrollably. These are just a few signs. There are MORE.