Jokes News

I was watching the news when I saw where a man had poured gas on this old lady and caught her on fire. When the news lady was talking she said that the police believed that an argument may have SPARKED the situation.

Question: If mothers have Mother’s Day and fathers have Father’s Day, what day do single guys have?

Answer: Palm Sunday.

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught w/Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught BY Hustler magazine

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: President Johnson
Now: The President’s johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your grandkids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: “Kill the pigs”
Now: “No bacon please, I’m watching my cholesterol”

Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmm

Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity

Ask any friend how to wipe the dandruff off of a PUSSY. When they ask how, simply brush their shoulder!!!

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.” said the little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line, filled out my forms for another card and got back in line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“And he asked ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ So I stabbed him.”

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons, Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s that?”

Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

Q- How did Bill Clinton win presidental elections?
A- With the help of his wife Hillary.

She first shaved her bikini line, went to give speech in front of public, lifted her skirt and said:

“Read my lips no more Bush”

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was “OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!”. Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”.

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies’ room on a business trip!”

The nurse replied, “Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!”

A guy says to a hooker, “Come on, I’ve got fifteen bucks.”

She says, “Fifteen bucks? For fifteen bucks I’ll give you the penguin.”

He says, “What’s the penguin?”

She says, “Give me the money and I’ll show you.”

He gives her the money, she undoes his pants and pulls his pants and his underpants down to his ankles, and plays with his dick for a few minutes.

Then she walks away.

He shuffles after her, saying, “Hey! Where you going?”