Jokes News

3 guys have just broken out of jail
and were finding a place to hide.
A nearby barn is where they decided
to hide.Inside the barn were 3 sacks
, so they decided to hide in the sacks……..
A cop searching decided to go and
search inside the barn. As he walked
in, he saw the 3 sacks looking oddly shaped.So he thought he’d go and investigate it.
He came up to the 1st sack and gave it a little kick.Out came a “meow”…so he thought it was a cat and moved on to the 2nd sack.
Gave it a kick. Out came a “woof woof”…thinking it was a dog, he moved on to the 3rd sack.Gave it a kick.Out came a………..”POTATO!!”

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a VERY sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part.

“I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Subject: Theories on anything
Date: 12/29/98
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A contest was held for people to submit their theories on just about any darned thing they wanted to. Below are the winners.
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RUNNER-UP: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

RUNNER-UP: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

RUNNER-UP: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah,” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

A woman was making a stew and her husband walked and set his bee-bee gun down and put the package of pellets above the stove. As the woman was cooking, the package fell over and landed in the stew. She fishes the package out, and thought to herself, “It’ll be to much trouble to take the bee-bees out. I’ll just leave them in and no one will notice.” So she fed it to her family with no complaints.

The next morning, one of her sons came to her and said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy. There are bee-bees in my pooh.” The mother thought and said, “It’s ok, it’ll go away in a few days.” So the child went back out to play.

The next son came up to her a little later and said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy! There are bee-bees in my pooh.” The mother thought and said, “don’t worry, it’ll go away in a few days.” So the child went back to playing with his friends.

A little after that, her third son came to her and said, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” She said, “I know. There are bee-bees in your pooh.” Her son says to her, “No no no! I farted and I killed a cat!”

Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back

1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

2. Possible he came through the south entrance.

3. I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that huh kid.

4. Hurry up, Golden-rod!

5. That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual for a while.

6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, Come…

7. Control, control. You must learn control!

8. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.

9. Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman’s work!

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. “How did it work out?” they asked.

“Well, is was a great dinner, Mary said. “Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.” I really enjoyed my evening.

“But what about afterward?” her friends wanted to know.

“It didn’t work out,” Mary said. “Charley was too tired.”

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

“What’s this?” he asks.

“Cojones, señor,” the waiter replies.

“What are cojones?” the man asks.

“Cojones,” the waiter explains, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.”

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

“What’s this?” he asks the waiter.

“Cojones, señor,” the waiter replies.

“No, no,” the man objects. “I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.”

“Señor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not lose every
time.”

From: Automated Payroll Processing
Date: January 1, 00
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time for the past 100 year(s).

As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. One day she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know when the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ’spaghetti’ on the back.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months later, the doctor’s wife called him at the office. “Dear, you just received the strangest postcard today, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “I’ll have a look at it when I get home tonight.”

Later that evening, after he read the postcard, he fell to the floor in a dead faint. The card read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti–two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”