Jokes News

One fine spring day, the Pope’s aide rushes into His office - “Your Holiness!! Your Holiness!! There’s big news! But it’s good and bad.”

The Pope replies, “Well, give me the good news first.”

His aide, beaming a smile says, “Jesus Christ has returned! He’s on the phone right now asking for you!”

The Pope exclaims “What can possibly be bad about that?!”

The aide replies, “He’s calling from Salt Lake City!”

Yo’ mama’s so ghetto she thinks a fortune cookie is an Oreo with a food stamp inside.

Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband. “Hi hon,” he says “how do you like your new phone?”

She replies “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”

“What’s that, baby?” asks the husband.

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

I blame Hillary for President Bill’s indescretions. The solution to his problem was under her nose the whole time!

Knock,knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the Bathtub, I’m Dwouning!

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. Here are helpful hints:

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, we have lots of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. “Would ye look at that, Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinnin’ in a house the likes of that place!” They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. “Did ye see that, Darby?” Pat asked in shock and disbelief. “Is nothin’ holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can’t understand what the world is comin’ to these days. A man of the cloth indulgin’ himself in sins of the flesh. ‘Tis a shame, I tell ye!”

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house; looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. “Oh no, Darby, look!” said Pat, removing his cap. “One of the poor girls musta died.”