Jokes News

10. Every time you are about to be punished, you start a war with another school.

09. You don’t count an oral report as a report.

08. When you get caught without your homework, you blame it on a “vast, 4th grade conspiracy”

07. When your Mom asks if you’ve done your chores, you respond “that depends on what the meaning of the word ‘done’ is”.

06. You get expelled, and your popularity rating goes up 10%.

05. The day after Christmas, you are on the phone having Bettie Curry get back your Christmas gifts.

04. DNA on Ashley Assenmacher’s dress conclusively proves you gave her cooties.

03. You are the only kid in town who got his “Buy 300 happy meals, get one free” card stamped.

02. Little Kenny Starr’s “What I Did This Summer” was a 250 page “referral” about what you did this summer.

And the number one sign your dad is Bill Clinton…

01. Your mother is a woman with a pulse who lived in Arkansas in the 70’s or 80’s.

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden.”

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like Dad!”

Her mother replied, “So what you want from me, sympathy?”

One day the local preacher of a small town church calls up another preacher in a near-by small town church.

The second preacher answers the phone saying, “Hello.”

The first preacher replies “Hi and how are you today?”

“Just fine and full joy, what can I do for you today?” replies the second preacher.

The first preacher asked, “Can a prostitute be saved?”

The second preacher replies, “Yes they too can be saved.”

The first preacher snaps back and says, “Great, then save me one for Friday night!”

What do you get when you cross the devil and a redneck?

Beelzububba.

One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle. They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the
ground. The thief then went through the man’s pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” said the man, “I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”

Q. What did Michel Jackson think Boyz II Men was?

A. A delivery service!

How do French girls hold their ‘liquor’?!

By the ears!!

Composer Richard Rodgers’ collaborators, Larry Hart and later Oscar Hammerstein II were first-rate lyric writers. He was often asked how they differed. It should be mentioned that Hart was a very short man, about five feet three inches; Rodgers himself was a few inches taller, and Hammerstein was over six feet tall.

Said Rodgers, “When I worked with Larry and people recognized us walking together, they’d say, ‘The little fellow is okay, but watch out for the big son-of-a-bitch.’

Now, when I’m with Oscar and am recognized, people say, ‘The big guy is okay, but watch out for the little son-of-a-bitch.’ And that’s the difference between working with Larry and working with Oscar.”

Driving on the highway, I watched a passing Chevy Suburban towing a boat with an outboard motor. The motor was obviously in neutral because the propeller was spinning like crazy from the slip-stream under the car.

I turned to my wife, pointed to the boat, and said, tongue in cheek, “Look, that’s a great idea! Those Suburbans are heavy and burn a lot of gas, so this guy started his boat motor so the propeller will help PUSH him!”

My mechanically clueless wife said, in all seriousness, “Wow! That IS a good idea. I wonder why more folks haven’t thought to do that.”