Jokes News

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.”

“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ’sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene!’”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.’”

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s
problems!”

“I want to share something with you - the three sentences
that will get you through life:
Number one, ‘Cover for me.’
Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’
Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’”

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs
on your porch? Mat

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs
in your mail box? Bill

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs
on your kitchen stove? Stu

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs
water skiing? Skip

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs on
your wall? Art

Where do you find a dog that has no legs?
Right where you left him!