Jokes News

One afternoon a doctor had an affair with one of his patients.

After sending his patient home, the doctor had a little voice inside of him that kept saying, “I can’t believe you just had an affair with one of your patients. That is so wrong, and it goes against everything you stand for.”

Then this other voice inside him kept saying, “Don’t worry, you’re not the first doctor to ever have an affair with a patient, and you certainly won’t be the last doctor to have an affair.”

But still there was this other voice inside him that kept saying, “But those doctors weren’t veterinarians…”

HOW DO YOU TEACH A BLONDE MATH?
ADD A BED, SUBTRACT HER CLOTHES, DIVIDE HER LEGS AND HOPE SHE DOES’NT MUTIPLY.

Q. Why are men so smart when they’re having sex?

A. Because they’re plugged into a genius .

The new preacher, at his very first service, had a large pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. By the time he had made it through his long-winded sermon, he had finished off the entire pitcher of water.

After the sermon, an old woman approached the new preacher. “Young man,” she exclaimed, “you’re the first windmill I’ve seen that’s powered by water!”

A priest is walking along the street when he sees a member of his parish and tries to catch up to him. The parishioner keeps trying to speed up and change sides of the street until the priest catches up and says, “Wait! Are you avoiding me, my son?”

The parishioner looks away and says, “Oh, Father! I’ve done something horrible, and I’m afraid that if I tell you what it is you’ll kick me out of the parish!”

“I would never do that, my son. Tell me what you have done.”

“Well,” the parishioner explained, “last night my wife was bending into the freezer for some vegetables, and she looked so beautiful that we made love on the spot, and now I’m very ashamed.”

The priest smiled and said, “Don’t be ashamed. I find that to be very beautiful.”

The parishioner looked relieved. “Thank you for understanding, Father. The people at the grocery store sure didn’t!”

1. Yellow River by I. P. Daly
2. Antlers in the Treetop by Hoo Goosed the Moose
3. Chinese Population Explosion by Wee Fukem Yung
4. Under the Grandstands by Seymore Hiney
5. Spots on the Wall by Hoo Flung Dung
6. Crotch Rot by Itchey Scratchy
7. Running to the Bathroom by Willey Makit, edited by Betty Wont
8. Gas Attack by I. Fartmore

This boy was getting a cookie from his mother’s favorite cookie jar, and he broke it. Well, his sister saw him. So later that night he was taking a shower and his sister asked him if she could take a shower with him. He said no, but she threatened to tell their mother about the cookie jar. So he said ok.

They were taking a shower and she said, “What’s that?” He said, “That’s my little bird.” She said, “Can I play with it?” He said no. She said, “I’ll tell Mom about the cookie jar.” He said, “Alright.”

So later that night he was going to bed and she asked if she could sleep with him. He said no. She said, “I’ll tell Mom about the cookie jar.” He said, “Fine.”

Just as he was about to fall asleep, she said, “Can I play with your little bird again?” He said no. She said, “I’ll tell Mom about the cookie jar.” He said, “Alright.” He was really tired and he fell asleep while she was playing with him.

He woke up in the hospital, and asked what happened. His sister said, “Your little bird spit at me so I bit his head off, cracked its eggs and burnt its nest.”

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

“What’s the problem?”

“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property. You don’t own her!”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!”

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

The father replied: “Well, son you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

A lady takes her seat on an airplane next to a man and begins reading her book. He sneezes and she says “bless you”. He thanks her and then proceeds to unzip his pants and wipe off his penis. She tries not to stare, but it happens about 4 more times. Finally, she can’t stand it anymore. She turns to the man and asks him why he must wipe off his penis each time he sneezes. He tells her that he has a medical condition….every time he sneezes, he has an orgasm. “Wow” she says, “what do you take for it?”

“Pepper”, he answers.