Jokes News

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

A visitor from England was running around town yelling, “The meteor is coming! The meteor is coming! Run and hide, NOW!”

A police officer stopped him and said, “What the hell are you yelling about?”

The British subject explained that he was repeating what he overheard from two other British subjects, both of whom the officer knew.

Hearing the explanation, the policeman got very angry.

“WHY can’t you folks from England learn to pronounce the letter ‘H’, when you are visiting America? Those idiots were talking about a FAT PROSTITUTE. In other words, a ‘MEATY WHORE’!”

Actress Judy Holliday once found herself being chased around the room by a lecherous studio head. Unperturbed, she put her hand inside her dress and pulled out her falsies.

“Here,” she said, handing them to her dumbfounded pursuer, “I think this is what you want.”

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, “Yes ma’am, ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit.”

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where would you like to start?”

“Well ma’am. How about a suit?”

“Yes sir, what size?”

“Size 53 … tall, ma’am.”

“Wow, that’s really big.”

“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?” she asked.

He replied, “How about some shoes.”

“What size?”

“Size 15 … double D.”

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?”

“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”

“Yes sir, what size?”

“Nineteen and a half … 38,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”

She virtually glowed as she asked, “Whew … is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”

Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, “Sir could I ask you a question?”

“Yes ma’am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches.”

She is astonished and blurts out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “Across, ma’am?”

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers.

Most people don’t care who you screw in private… As long as you’re not screwing the public!!!

A guy was playing golf at this fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off, a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, “We are deaf. May we play through?”

The guy says, “Hell, no!” and tees off anyway.

Six shots later, he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch. “What the @%?*¿¿?!” he yells.

The deaf guys drive up and hand him a note. On the note is written, “FORE!”

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe and flush

There once was a blonde, brunette and a red head. They were all stranded on a deserted island. One day they were all walking along the beach when they came across a lamp. They decided to rub it hoping a genie would appear and grant them three wishes. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared saying to them, “I shall grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, you can all have one wish each.” The brunette said, “I miss my family my husband and my children. I wish to go home.” There was a poof and the brunette was sent home. The red head wished for the exact same thing and sure enough she was sent home also. When it came time for the blonde to make a wish, the genie asked her, “Why are you cying?” She replied, “I miss my friends. I wish they were here with me!”