Jokes News

Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!”

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’ - not some filth picked up in the playground,” he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. “Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!” The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle John says, “Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know…”.

“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s fucking the horse!”

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no…. a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the ‘early bird.’

One hot day,two roadworkers are laying asphalt on a back country road when a United Nations limousine pulls up next to them,and an official-looking man gets out.

He looks at both men and asks, “Parlez-vous francais?”
The two men just look at him confused.

He then asks, “Usted habla espanol?”
Again,they just stare at him.

“Sprechen Sie deutsch?”, he asks.
No answer.

“Parlate italiano?”
Still, no reply.

Disgusted,the man gets back into the limo,and it quickly drives away. One worker then says to the other, “You know, we really should learn another language.”

The other worker replies, “What for? That guy knew four languages and it didn’t do him any good!”

Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and is having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy’s mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

“You just wouldn’t believe what they have there in New York City,” says Miss Annabell. “They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.” Miss Annabell’s friends fan themselves and say, “Oh my! Oh my!”

“They call them homosexuals,” proclaims Miss Annabell. “Oh my! Oh my,” proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. “They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!”

“Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls. “What do they call them?” they ask.

“They call them lesbians,” says Miss Annabell. “They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City,” sighs Miss Annabell.

“Oh my! Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. “What do they call them?” they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says with a blush in a hush, “Why, when I caught my breath, and recovered my senses, I called him ‘Precious!’”

A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled.

I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower’s association.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally, a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said: “Son, I don’ think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain’t fuckin’ our sheep, they’re eating them!!”

One early evening in the Indian reservation, two American Indian brothers named Little Bull and Big Stallion were on their way home from school when they passed by the outhouse teepee. Big Stallion said, “Whew! That outhouse teepee sure is stinking bad!”

Pinching his nose, Little Bull agreed, “You said it, bro! It stinks worse than a stable of horses.”

As the brothers continued on their way, Little Bull said, “Hey, bro, let’s do some public service and push that stinking teepee over the nearby cliff.”

“Okay,” said Big Stallion. So the two brothers went back and pushed the offending teepee over the cliff.

The next day, their father Chief Running Bear called the Indian tribe to an emergency pow-wow. In a gravely serious voice, the Chief said, “Last night somebody pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff. I want to know who was responsible for this!” The brothers were too scared to come forward for fear of the Chief’s wrath.

Since no one was willing to confess, the Chief tried a different tack. He said, “You know the story of the white man’s first great president, George Washington? When he was young, he cut down his father’s favorite cherry tree. When his father found that his cherry tree was cut down, he gathered his entire household, like what I am doing now, and asked who was responsible for this act. Without hesitation, George Washington stepped forward and confessed to his father publicly that he was the one who cut down the cherry tree. Instead, of getting angry, the father praised his son for his honesty and the rest was history. George Washington went on to become a general, a president and a great man. All because he was man enough to admit his mistake. Now do I hear any confessions?”

After hearing of George Washington’s story, Little Bull decided to come clean and said with his head bowed, “Father, I was the one who pushed the teepee over the cliff last night.”

The Chief said in loud voice, “So it was you!” Whereupon he proceeded to beat the hell out of Little Bull who was beaten up so badly that he had to be confined in the hospital.

Later when Chief Running Bear went to see his son in the hospital, Little Bull moaned, “Why did you have to beat me up? George Washington’s father never did such a thing to his son!”

“Yes but his father wasn’t on the cherry tree.”

Question: What is the difference between “sexy” and “kinky”?

Answer: To use a feather in lovemaking is sexy. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

A young lady and her new born baby was happily sitting in passenger train when suddenly a drunk appeared out of nowhere and looked at the baby and said, “That’s an ugly baby. A very ugly baaby!”

Feeling insulted and totally mortified she called the conductor. She told the conductor, “This man has insulted me. I do not want to be here on this train with him. Please stop this train immediately so I can get off!”

The conductor said, “Maam, please forgive me. I am very sorry that this has happened. I would like to accommodate you but the train cannot stop until Chicago.”

He continued, “I would like to offer you my apology for this incident. For your inconvenience, I would like you to go to the dining car and have a complimentary dinner. And while you’re back there, why don’t you get a banana for your monkey.”

How many blonde jokes are there?

None, they’re all true!