Jokes News

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of ‘ese’ are you?”

The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean.”

The American repeated,”What kind of ‘ese’ are you?” Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, “Jeez, how tough is this — what kind of ‘ESE’ are you? Are you ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE . . . ?”

The Japanese gentleman replied, “Oh, I see. I’m Japanese.”

“Well, ok, now we’re getting somewhere,” the American said.

A little while later, the Japanese man asked, “Excuse me, but what kind of ‘key’ are you?”

“What? What the hell do you mean?” the irritated American answered.

“You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?”

Three men were sitting on a park bench, a biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician. They saw two people walking on the opposite side of the street and into an apartment building. Later on, the two people walked out, but with a third person with them. This puzzled the three men.

“The first two must have reproduced,” explained the biologist.

“That’s not right,” objected the physicist, “there was already another person in the building.”

“You’re both wrong!” exclaimed the mathematician. “They didn’t reproduce and there was nobody in the building, but if one more person enters that building, it will be completely empty.”

One day a car broke down infront of a farm. The driver got out and asked the farmer if he could use his phone to call a tow truck. The driver noticed the farmer had a pig with only three legs. He asked, “Why does your pig have only three legs. The farmer replied, That is the best pig I ever had. He once pulled me out of my barn when it caught on fire. I would have died for sure!” “Ok, but why does he have only have three legs?” “A pig that good you can’t eat all at once!”

A guy once had a parrot that had a very dirty mouth. He would bring a date home and the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get screwed!” Of course, the girls would get mad and leave.

This went on for about 3 or 4 weeks, until finally he got so frustrated that he went back to the pet store where he had purchased the bird.

He asked the pet store owner how to stop his parrot from scaring away his women. The pet store owner said, “Maybe he is jealous and wants a companion himself. I’ll order a female parrot, but in the meantime the only female bird I have is this Hoot-owl. If you’d like, you can borrow the owl to keep your bird company until the female parrot arrives.”

The guy said, “I’ll try anything as long as he shuts up!”

As soon as he got home, the man put the hoot-owl in the cage with the parrot. It was obvious from the way the parrot glared at the owl that they didn’t get along. That night, the man had another woman over. Just as he leaned in to kiss her, the parrot chimed in, “Somebody’s gonna get screwed!”

“Who-who?” said the owl.

The parrot snapped, “Sure isn’t gonna be you, you bug-eyed bitch!”

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.

As the sprout grows into a young sapling, the two trees began to wonder which of them the small tree would take after.

Then one day a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

“It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country’s most celebrated pop artist. In addition to paying the doctor’s usual fee, he had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor’s waiting room.

The mural turned out to be an immense multi-colored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: “Tell me, if you can, Doctor–what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?”

“To tell the truth,” the physician replied, “my first thought was, thank goodness I’m not a gynecologist!”

For you ladies (and men so you’re prepared), a little MEN ARE LIKE humor:

MEN ARE LIKE…
Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Curling Irons, they’re always hot and always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE…
High Heels, they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Place Mats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Snow Storms, you never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Newborn Babies, they’re cute at first, but pretty soon you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Laxatives, they irritate the crap out of you.

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES - by J. Hovind

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about WHAT kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on …

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.

After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z; hence, “Oz.”

To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

A little girl named Teena has a cat named Piddles, and one day Piddles dies. Teena runs to her father with tears in her eyes and says, “DAD PIDDLES IS DEAD!!!” Her dad says, “Oh I’m so sorry that that had to happen.”
Tenna sniffs, “Dad, how c-come Piddles legs and arms are sticking up in the air?” The dad having no idea, uses his quick wit and says, “Well, this way when Jesus comes down to get her he can just grab her legs and he can take her up quicker.”

A few weeks later dad comes home work and Teena is crying again. “Daddy, daddy! Mommy almost died today!” The dad, being shocked, responds, “How do you know that Mom almost died?!”

Teena explains, “Well, I heard something in the den and when I went in Mommy had her legs up in the air and was yelling ‘OH JESUS, I’M COMING! I’M COMING!’ And if it weren’t for the milk man holding her down she would have gone right on up to heaven!”