Jokes News

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.

“No problem…just like Chicago in June,” the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the
temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Chicago in July,” the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off.

Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Chicago in August.”

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature to MINUS 150 DEGREES.

Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.

The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on.

To which the Chicago man replies…..

“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

Q:Why was the blonde so jealous of the orange?

A:Because the orange could concentrate and the blonde couldn’t!

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week, and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters, and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book!”

Everybody has a dog called “Rover” or “Rex”.
I called my dog Sex.
When I went to city hall to buy a license , I told the clerk that I wanted to buy a license for Sex.
He said “I’d like one too”.
But then I said, “This is a dog”.
He said he didn’t care what she looked like.
Then I said, “you don’t understand I’ve had Sex since I was 9.”
He said, “you must have been quite a kid”.
When I got married and went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me, my wife
and one for Sex. He said, “All the rooms are for sex”
“You don’t understand,” I said “Sex keeps me awake at night”.
The clerk said, “Me too”.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before it began the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing around.
I told him that I planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.
“But you don’t understand,” I said.
“I planned to have Sex on T.V.”
He called me a show off.

When me and my wife got divorced we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog.
I said “Your honour, I had Sex before we were married”
The judge said, “Me too.”
Then I told him that after we were married Sex left
he said, “Me too.”
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came up and said to me, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?”
I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because Ronald McDonald was after his nuggets.

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge then asked, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The drunk said, “Wait, Judge, when will I get out?”

The judge said, “Sooner or later!”

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or even writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation, he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.”

Right after that, the choir stood and sang, “What a Friend we Have in Jesus.”

Q. Why does Miss Piggy take a shower in honey?

A. Because Kermit likes sweet ‘n’ sour pork!

A girl says to a salesman, “I need some batteries for my vibrator.”

He motions with his finger, “Come this way…”

She says, “If I could come that way I wouldn’t need a vibrator.”

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. “Viagra. The quicker dicker upper”
9. “One-a-day, like iron”
8. “Get a piece of the rock”
7. “You’ve come a long way, baby”
6. “Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em”
5. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman”
4. “Tastes great, more filling”
3. “Viagra, built ram tough”
2. “Here’s the beef!”
..and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. “Just do her!”

Some honorable mentions:

“We work harder, so you don’t have to”
“Ten inches long… and growing.”
“Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight”
“Viagra, home of the whopper”
“Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver”
“This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?”