Jokes News

WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 presidential election.

“This is the last straw,” said Utah senator Orin Hatch. “First Elian Gonzales, now this.”

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

“We’re all pretty much sick of Florida,” said representative Barney Frank. “They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now.”

Added Frank, “They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot.”

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds.

“These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military,” said the Senator to roaring applause.

From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida “a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants.”

“Learn English already, you banana boat bums,” Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots.

“It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed,” said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. “The presence of these new, superior robot mastur–, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy.”

“Remember,” said Hastert, “every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots.”

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

“After that, they’re on their own,” said Hastert. “I hope they sink.”

Two morons were working in a pit, digging away, while their boss was up on normal ground, sitting next to his cadillac, drinking lemonade.

One moron said, “Why do we have to be down here, while our boss is up there relaxing?”

The other replied, “I don’t know, I’ll go up and ask him”, which he did.

The boss replied, “It’s because I’m smart and you guys are morons”.

“What makes you think that?”, asked the moron.

“Let me show you”, said the boss. He put his hand on the car. “Make a fist, and hit my hand as hard as you possibly can”.

The moron did as he said, but just before he hit the bosses hand, the boss pulled away, and the moron hit the car, and severely injured his own hand.

“Now do you understand?’, asked the boss.

“Yessir, I do”, said the moron, who then climbed back down into the pit.

“Well?”, asked the other moron, “did he explain why?”

“Yeah, it’s because he’s smart, and we’re morons.”

“Huh?”

“OK, let me explain it to you”, said the first moron, putting his hand up to his face, “Make a fist, and hit my hand as hard as you possibly can”.

10. Yes, of course the water is purified.
9. I don’t usually drink this much.
8. I’ll be right back with your change.
7. None of my silver is plated.
6. I’ll ask my manager.
5. No hablo ingles.
4. My dad owns this place.
3. Really, the free breakfast has nothing to do with time share.
2. I’m divorced, I just wear the ring for my kids.
1. Just one more drink and we’ll go home!!

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It was way past midnight and a man was robbing a house. Just then he hears this voice say, “Jesus is gonna get you!”

The robber thinks nothing of it and begins to take the T.V. when he hears the voice again: “Jesus is gonna get you!”

The robber discovers that the noise is from a parrot, so he walks up to the parrot and says, “What’s your name, little guy?”

The parrot replies, “Moses”.

The robber says, “What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same idiot that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, “Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie.”

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.

“Are you CRAZY?!” yelled the customer. “Don’t bring my meal with your hand on my steak!”

“What!” answers the waiter. “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

A drunk guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How tall are penguins?” The bartender said, “About 1 1/2 to 2 feet tall.” Then the guy walks out.

A few minutes later the guy comes back in and asks, “How tall are penguins?” The bartender said, “I already said that they are about 1 1/2 to 2 feet tall.” Then the guy walks out.

A few minutes later he comes back in and says, “How big did you say penguins are?” The bartender says, “This is the last time I am telling you. They are about 1 1/2 to 2 feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh shit! I guess I hit a nun!”

A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the president, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended” is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.

Two nuns were riding home on their bikes.

After taking an unusual route, one nun said, “I’ve never come this way before.”

Then the other one turns to her and says, “It must have been the cobblestones.”