Jokes News

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word “fuck.” Out of all the English words that begin with the letter “F”, fuck is the only word that is referred to as the “f” word. It’s one magical word. Just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, is derived from German — the word ‘flicken’ which means to strike. In English fuck falls into many grammatical categories, as a transitive verb — for instance, “John fucked Shirley,” as an intransitive verb, “Shirley fucks”. Its meaning is not always sexual; it can be used as an adjective such as, “Johns doing all the fucking work”. As part of an adverb, “Shirley talks too fucking much”. As an adverb enhancing an adjective, “Shirley is fucking beautiful”. As a noun, “I don’t give a fuck”. As part of a word, “abso-fucking-lutly” or, “in-fucking-credible,” and as almost every word in a sentence, “Fuck the fucking fuckers”. As you must realize the aren’t many words with the versatility of fuck as in these examples describing situations such as: fraud — “I got fucked at the used car lot,” dismay — “awww fuck it,” trouble — “I guess I’m really fucked now,” aggression - “Don’t fuck with me buddy,” difficulty — “I don’t understand this fucking question,” inquiry — “Who the fuck was that?”, dissatisfaction — “I don’t like what the fuck is going here,” incompetence — “He’s a fuck off,” dismissal — “Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself?” I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multi-purpose applications how can anyone be offended when you use the word? We say use this unique flexible word more often in your daily speech; it will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly!

FUCK YOU!!

Why did the the woman cross the road?

I don’t care, what the hell is she doing out of the house?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from High School.

One asked the other, “Have you managed to live a well-planned life?”

“Oh yes!” said her friend. “First I married a millionaire, then an actor. My third marriage was to a preacher and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

“What do all those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go.”

One day Bill Clinton had a press conferense to answer questions about him and Monica Lewinsky. One reporter stood up and asked, “Mr. President, why did you have Monica lie in deposition?”

Bill replied, “That’s a lie, I asked her to lie in da-position.”

There was this man and this woman on a plane and the woman turned to the man and said, “I’m really horny and I want it now.”

The man said, “Not now and especially not on this plane.”

So the woman makes a suggestion, “You un-zip your pants and I’ll do the rest.”

So the man finally agrees and she sits on his lap. The woman decides to ask the people in front of her, “Where are you guys going?”

They say, “We’re goin’ to Dallas.”

She asks the people behind her, “Where are you guys going?”

They say, “We’re goin’ to Dallas.”

She asks the people to her left, “Where are you guys going?”

They say, “We’re going to Dallas.”

She starts bouncing up and down and saying, “Everybody’s going to Dallas, everybody’s going to Dallas.”

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor, and says “Hi, Sammy.”

“Who the hell is THAT?” asks Sammy’s wife.

“That’s my mistress,” Dr. Goldstein replies.

“You have a MISTRESS? How long has this been going on?” asks his wife.

“About five years,” says the doctor.

“Five years? I’ll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. I’ll ruin you.”

“Wait just a minute, honey. If we divorce, we each get half of what we have. You won’t have that big house, you won’t get a new Cadillac every year, you won’t be playing golf and tennis at the club…in fact, you may even have to get a job.”

Just then, a cute redhead walks by and winks at Sammy.

“Who the hell is THAT one?” demands his wife.

“She’s Doctor Grant’s mistress,” says Sammy.

“Oh,” says his wife. “Well, ours is a lot prettier.”

Mother and Daughter were walking down the beach early one morning.

The Daughter said, “Mom when will I know when its time for me to use a douche?”

The mother said, “I don’t know dear, why don’t you ask those seagulls behind you.”

Gloria, a very attractive, very well built blonde, has decided to spend her vacation in Cancun this year to be near the beach. The first morning, she takes the elevator to the roof of the hotel where she covers herself with sunscreen and sunbathes in her bikini.

That evening, she notices that the bikini has left a noticeable tan line. So the next morning, she puts on a terry robe and goes up to the roof without her bikini. She slips off the robe, applies her sunscreen and lies down on her tummy to let the sun do its work.

Moments later, a flustered Assistant Manager comes running out toward her, so Gloria modestly grabs her robe and covers herself.

“Excuse me, Senorita,” he says breathlessly, “but would you mind wearing your bathing suit if you weesh to sunbathe on the roof?”

“What’s the problem?” says Gloria, “No one can see me up here.”

“That ees not exactly true, Senorita” he replies. “You are lying on the skylight of the dining room.”

One day a teacher was doing an activity with her students in 3rd grade to figure out if they will think or not. So she goes in the corner and says, “I am holding something orange and round.” A kid then put up his hand and said, “It’s an orange.”

“No,” said the teacher, “but it shows that you were thinking.”

Then the teacher said, “Now I am holding something red and round.”

“It’s an apple,” said a student.

“No,” said the teacher, “It’s a cherry, but it show that you were thinking.” Then she asked if any students wanted to try.

Everyone in the class put up their hand and the teacher picked little Johnny. He went in the corner and said, “I’m holding something about an inch long with a reddish point on the top.”

The teacher said, “Johnny that is disgusting! You stop that right away.”

Johnny said, “Actually it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking.”

Q. Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

A. Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!!!