Jokes News

* Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
* I love cats … dead ones
* I love cats … they taste just like chicken
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* So many recipes, so few cats.
* Cats… the other white meat.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Save a mouse… Eat pussy!
* P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
* If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* I love animals. They taste great.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

This actually IS true. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it! Only in South Carolina!! Bitter sweet revenge. It’s about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift, just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was a manila envelope, including those chairs of the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 X 10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and had hired a private detective to trail them, weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said “Fuck you!” He then turned to the bride and said “Fuck you too!,” and then he turned to the dumb-founded crowd and said, “I’m outta here!”

He had the marriage annulled, first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests, the wedding itself and the reception. Plus, letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e., their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

A mother was reading a book about animals to her three year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the Cow say?”

Child: “Mooo.”

Mother: “Very Good! Now what does the Cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Ohh you’re so smart, now what does the frog say?”

And this little 3 year old girl looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud.”

Q: How do you make your wife cry when you are having sex?

A: Phone her up and tell her!

There was a Scotsman, American,and a Mexican. They were driving along a road in Canada. They all saw a cow and the Mexican said, “That is a Mexican cow because of the spots.”

“No,no,no!” said the American. “That is an American cow because of the way it walks.”

“No, you are both wrong!” said the Scotsman. “It is a Scottish cow because of the bagpipes underneath.”

There are three guys and they walk into a store.

The 1st guy asked the clerk I’d like to buy a new dick. The clerk said,”I have three dicks a rubber one, a metal one, and a mile long one.”

So he said,” I’ll take the rubber one.” Then the second guy came in and said to the clerk,” I want a new dick.”

The clerk said,” I have a metal one , and a mile long one.” So he took the metal one.”

Soon the third guy came in and asked,” I’d like a new dick.” The clerk said,” All I have left is a mile long one.” So he said,” I’ll take it.”

The next day the first guy came in and said,” I want my old dick back.” So the clerk asked,”why?” and he answered,” every time I go to take a piss, it bounces all over the place!”

Then the second guy comes in and says,”I want my old dick back.” and the clerk asks,”why?” The guy says,”every timeI piss it rusts!”

Then the third guy comes in and the clerk says,”let me guess, you want your old dick back?” The guy says,” no I just wanted to show you something, I can piss in Nebraska!”

Jonny O’Conner went into confession and told the priest: “Bless me father for I have sinned, I had hot sex with a woman.”

“Was it Mary Henderson?” said the priest.

Jonny said: “No father I cannot tell you please forgive me.”

“Was it Polly McDermot?” said the priest.

Jonny said: “No father I can’t tell you.”

“OH,” said the priest, “Then it must be Katie Paulson.”

Jonny said: “No father I can’t tell you.”

The priest said: “Okay my son go do 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers then you will be forgiven for your sin.”

Jonny went outside to talk to his friend, he said to his friend: “I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good leads.”