Archive for March 11th, 2006

Thoughts from the Kitchen

Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Funny Stories
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A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and THIS kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

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  • I’ve lost my memory

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Medical
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    An elderly couple were having trouble remembering things. The man advised the woman that he thought they should see a doctor. Both agreed and went to the doctor.

    The doctor stated that was no big problem and that it is easily cured. “Get yourself a tablet and when you think of something write it on the tablet.”

    The couple returned home. Later that evening the man asked the woman if she would kindly get him a glass of ice water. She said sure and headed for the kitchen.

    The man stopped his wife and told her to write it down so she wouldn’t forget. The lady replied, “I don’t think I will forget the glass of ice water.”

    The man then asked the woman if she would also get him a dish of vanilla ice cream. She answered that she would. The man told her to write this down so that she wouldn’t foget.

    The lady answered that she didn’t think she would forget the glass of ice water and the vanilla ice cream.

    The man then asked the woman if he could have strawberries on the vanilla ice cream. The woman replied that she would get the strawberries too.

    The man yelled for her to write this down. The lady responded by saying that she could remember the ice water, the vanilla ice cream and the strawberries and that it wasn’t neccessary to write it down.

    The man asked if she would be kind enough to put some whipped cream on the strawberries. The lady said that she could do that for him.

    The man asked the woman to write this down so that she would not forget. The lady angrily said that she didn’t think she needed to write this down because she could remember the ice water, the vanilla ice cram, strawberries and the whipped cream.

    About a half hour or forty-five minutes goes by and the lady returned from the kitchen with a huge platter of scambled eggs, hash browns with a slab of bacon and several link sausages.

    The man looked at the woman and said, “I told you to write it down. You know damn well that I wanted toast with that”.

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  • the blonde family

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Blonde
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    The blond family was the perfect american family –mom, dad, brother, and little sister…and of course they all had blonde hair and blue eyes!!

    One day little sister found a brunette wig and put it on, she went in the bathroom and put on some of mom’s mascara, and put in some brown contacts…

    Then she went and found her dad and said. “Daddy, daddy, look I’m a brunette, look dad!!!”

    Well, dad didn’t even look up from the tv. and said.. “Go,away don’t bother me now I’m busy!!! Go bother your mother!!!”

    So little sister went and found her mom and said, “Look momma I’m a brunette!!!” Her mom didn’t even look up from bleaching her hair and said, “Go away dear, I’m real busy, go talk to your brother!”

    She found her brother talking on the phone and said, “Look at me! Look at me!! I’m a brunette, don’t I look good!!” Her brother didn’t even look down and said, “I’m on the phone, go on, don’t bother me now!!!”

    Little sister then goes out on the back porch, sits down and puts her hands on her chin and says, “I’ve only been a brunette for 10 minutes and I already hate those damn blondes!!!”

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  • Frozen Cows

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Funny Stories
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    Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all
    his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows,
    motionless like statues.

    It had been a cold night but he’d never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how
    would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

    Just then an elderly woman walked by. “What’s the matter?” asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

    Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow’s noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

    One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

    A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

    “You know who that was don’t you?” asked the passer-by.

    “No,” said the farmer.

    “Thora Hird,” replied the passer-by.

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  • Blondes and toilet seats

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Blonde
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    What do a blonde and a toilet seat have in common?

    Without the hole, they would be useless!

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  • Lawyers

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Lawyer
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    In a bar, men were drinking and having fun!!

    A man jumps up and yells out “all lawyers are Assholes”!!!

    Another man jumps up and says “I resent that”

    “why” asks the first man “are you a lawyer“?

    “No” replied the man “I am an Asshole”!!

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  • The Singing Yankee

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Funny Stories
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    Famed Italian tenor, Enrio Caruso, was asked by a group of reporters what he thought of Babe Ruth. Unfailingly polite and amiable, Caruso replied that he didn’t know because unfortunately he had never heard her sing.

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  • Definition of Eternity

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Blonde
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    WHAT’S A DEFINITION OF ETERNITY?

    FOUR BLONDES AT A FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN.

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  • Love Hurts!

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Religious
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    A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back…all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”

    The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks “Did you get these marks having sex?” The girl is a little embarrassed, but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen.”

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  • Useless

    Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | Posted in Questions Answers
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    Q: Do you know what you call the useless skin around a man’s dick?

    A: THE MAN!!!

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