Jokes News

Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?

Because D-Shells are too big!!!!

You know if you’re a redneck if you bring your date to a country-western bar, then the DJ yells, “HO Down!” and your date jumps to the floor

What is the difference between a hooker and a drug addict?

The hooker can wash her used, dirty crack and re-sell it!

Tired of hearing about how dumb football players were, college coach Grabowski remembered a recent press release that crossed his desk and told the interviewer, “It so happens that according to a recent Harrison Poll, over fifty percent of the young men who play college football are making straight A’s.”

“I read that report, too,” the interviewer replied, “and my question is this: When will they learn to write the rest of the alphabet?”

(You know what football is: a game in which a handful of men run around for two hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise).

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
“Buy a BMW and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN : Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?
MAN : Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN : Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN : (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN : Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN : That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN : She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - deadly silence - - -
MAN : Sh@*!!

A dad and his newly married daughter are on a train. Suddenly, a group of bandits jumps on board demanding, “Give us all your money, bags, jewelry — everything valuable!!”

Everyone gives up all their things and they move on to the next car. The father looks over at his daughter and she is putting on her wedding ring.

He asks, “Where did you hide that?”

She says, “In my mouth.”

The dad exclaims, “I wish your mother were here … we would still have all our luggage too!!!!”

What is a seven course meal to an Irishman?

A six pack and a potato.

Upon returning home from work one day, a young blond woman discovers that her house has been ransacked and most of her prized possessions stolen. She immediately telephones the police and the call is put out to all units. A K9 unit is the first to arrive on the scene and as the lady comes to the front of the house she notices the officer approaching with the dog on leash.

The blonde says, “I just had my house robbed of my most worldly possessions and all they can do is send me a blind police officer!”