Jokes News

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans yelling “run… run!”

The next batter connects heavily with the ball. The Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and, as the ump calls a walk, the Scotsman stands up yelling, “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,
“Walk with pr-r-ride son!”

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 tongue
25 breakfast
35 She didn’t set back my therapy.
48 I didn’t have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/love slave

AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Burger King
25 Free meal
35 A diamond
48 A bigger diamond
66 Home Alone

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

What does a blonde say when you contact her on her mobile phone?

Oh, how did you know I was here?

One day a young cowboy and his girl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to, Honey?”

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

After a few more hours of driving, they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing, Honey?”

The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

Finally, they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.

“Oh, my!” she cries. “What is that?”

“Well, Darlin’, he says, “That’s my rope!”

She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh, my goodness! What are those?” she asks.

“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers.

Finally, the couple begins to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, “Stop, Honey, wait a minute!”

Her husband, panting a little, asks, “What’s the matter, Honey, am I hurting you?”

“No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots. I need more rope!”

Mahatma Ghandi, what an amazing man he was.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became thick and hard.

He was a very spiritual person.

Famous hunger strikes aside, he always ate frugally, and thus became quite thin and frail.

It is not so widely known that his spartan diet did damage to his teeth resulting in almost constant bad breath.

Little wonder that amongst his close associates he came to be known as a:

Super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

“Good morning class! Today we are learning about human organs that come in pairs,” says the teacher. “For example, our eyes are organs and we have two, now give me some more examples. Let’s start with Linda.”

“Ears!” says Linda excitedly.

“Very good,” replies the teacher. “Michael?”

“Balls,” replies Michael

The teacher is a little surprised by Michael’s crudeness, but accepts his answer.

“Yes, little Johnny?”

“The penis,” says little Johnny.

“Hey wait a minute, we only have one penis!” replies Michael.

“No,” says little Johnny. “My daddy has two, a small one which he uses to go to the potty, and a big one that mommy brushes her teeth with.”

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit comes to his table.

“What would you like, Mr. President?”

Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: “A quickie.”

The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: “What would you like, Mr. President?”

Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, “Um, Mr. President, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE’.”

QUESTION: What do electric train sets and women’s breasts have in commong?

ANSWER: Both were intended for children, but it’s the father who plays with them.