Jokes News

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you a slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobbling my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Man: That’s cool, ’cause after I get done fucking you in
the back of my car, I don’t give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: So that’s how you got that little mustache.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, ’cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake once you smack the goods to her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it in your ass.

A little girl came running into the house and said, “Mommy, I met the most wonderful man this morning. He was the garbage man, and he was carrying a big bag over his head, and it broke and went all over him.

And, you know, Mommy, he just stood there and talked to his mother, his son, and God.”

A man with a drum came to my door…I told him to beat it!

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver quite ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No, officer. Only when he’s drunk.”

When Joe and Kim decided to marry, Kim ask him to make only one promise. “You must promise me that after we get married you will NEVER look in the top drawer of my dresser, ever.

For 30 years he kept his promise then Kim handed Joe divorce papers.

She asked if he would like to see what in her top dresser drawer. He said Yes.

On one side there is a carton of eggs with 3 eggs in it, & on the other side there is $27,000.

She said the 3 eggs were for all the times they had bad sex.

He thought that was pretty good for 30 years & said, “And the money?”

She said “Every time I filled a carton, I sold it to the neighbors for a dollar.”

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

Her husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. There sits a long-time resident who looks about 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer, inquiringly.

The old-timer says, “Look at me. I”m old and worn out. You”d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley, would you? I wintered on the Riviera, had a yacht, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”

“One day, Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to piss anyone off.”

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet
the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some
time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and
by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in
a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and
halfway through the dinner the young man realized he
couldn’t hold it in one-second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.

“Spot!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family
dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go.

“Spot!” she called out sharply.

‘I’ve got it made,’ thought the fellow to himself. ‘One more
and I’ll feel fine’. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!!!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he
craps on you!”