Jokes News

> IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
> I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
> township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
> sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he
> didn’t want them to cross there anymore.

1. I’d like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big for me.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.

3. While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn’t important, sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I’m sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

9. I’d much rather watch Days of Our Lives than Bay Watch.

10. You are right and I was wrong.

Hot dogs come in packs of 10,
Buns in packs of 8,
Beer in packs of 6 or 12,
Presliced bologna in packs of 16,
Condoms in packs of 3,
Why can’t they get it straight.
Men need a calculator just to have a weekend.

Did you hear that the Republicans and the Democrats in Washington are contemplating passing a bill that balances the budget?

It may not be funny, but it sure is a joke!

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.”

“–or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “–or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “–so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?”

There were these 3 guys on a boat. The boat hit a rock and sank. The 3 guys swam to this island. They went on their daily swim and found a magic lamp. The guy took it back to the island and rubbed the lamp. A genie came out and said to the 3 of them,”Since there are three of you I will give you each one wish.”

The first guy says,”I’ve been on this island for 50 years and I just want to get off this island.” So the genie sent him away.

The second guy said,” I’ve been on this island 50 years and I just want to get off this island.” So the genie and sent him away.

The third guy said,”I’ve been here for 50 years and I kind of like it here and it wouldn’t be the same without my two budies so can you bring them back?”

“I’ve had it with my wife,” said one drinking buddy to the other. “I’m filing for an annulment.”

“Sorry to hear that, Pal, said his partner. “May I ask why?”

“I found her supply of birth control pills,” said the first.

“Listen, Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.”

“It ain’t just that,” stormed Frank. “I had a vasectomy over five years ago.”

There once was a man named Tom who was going out with a woman named Lorraine. He thought Lorraine was THE one. They had been going out for years and he was thinking of finally proposing.

Tom was also the head of a company and one day his personal secretary of many years quit because of family issues. Tom was upset but contacted an agency to find his a suitable replacement. Immediatly they found one, named Clearly, and she was hired.

Now Clearly was stunning and Tom was besotted with her. He found it hard to hide his feelings for Clearly but promised himself that he would not see Clearly while he was going out with Lorraine. After two weeks it was obvious that Clearly felt the same way about Tom.

Tom felt horrible. He wanted to break the news to Lorraine as nicely as possible, it was the least he could do for her. So, he decided to tell her while he took her on a walk by the river.

Just as Tom was about to “drop the bomb” he looked away, as he couldn’t face the pain in Lorraine’s eyes, and heard a splash. He looked to where Lorraine had been standing and saw that she was gone. Lorraine had slipped on the wet grass by the bank and had fallen into the water and drowned.

Tom was stunned. He stood there for a few minutes taking in the events that had just happened. A big smile stretched across his face and he began to skip happily away. As he left you could hear him say,

“I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone…”

Yo mama so poor I went up to her doorstep, rang the door bell, and she opened up the window and said, “DING DONG!”

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, “you
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee
jumping service in Mexico.” Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need; a
tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When
they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it
would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn’t able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he
is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again
and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, “What happened?
Was the cord too long?” Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No,
the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd… WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?!!”