Jokes News

100 women surveyed:
The question was:
Would you sleep with President Clinton?

79% said NO……never again.

One Sunday,the alterboy of the local church had waited intently for the priest to come. As he arrived, the alterboy exclaimed, “Father the most incredible thing just happened!”

“And what might have happened, Jimmy?”

“This guy with crutches just walked into church, put holy water on one of his legs then through the crutch away! Then he took holy water put it on his other leg then threw his other crutch away!”

“OHHHHHH MY GOD, THIS IS A MIRACLE, WHERE IS HE!?”

“Flat on his ass by the holy water.”

What’s the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire?

A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago, man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful
women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have
done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!” said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a fireman”, said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!” said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant to have dinner but the maitre’d informs him that there will be at least a twenty-minute wait. The maitre’d then asks the man, “Would you like to wait in the bar?”

So the man goes into the bar and the bartender asks, “So what’ll it be?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time there were ‘four’ little pigs…”

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.

3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND THE #1 REASON TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

A guy with a lisp walks into a nut store. The clerk is a very large man with a very, very large nose.

The guy with the lisp asks how much the peanuts are. The clerk replies, “The peanuts are a $1.39.” The guy with the lisp says, “Too high, too high.”

“How much are your walnuts, sir?” The clerk replies, “The walnuts are $1.49.” The guy with the lisp replies, “Too high, too high.”

“I guess I’ll go to another store because the prices are so high. And by the way, thank you for not making fun of my lisp.”

The clerk replies, “No, thank you, for making fun of my big nose.”

Then the guy with the lisp says “OH! that’s your nose? I thought that was your dick because your nuts are so high.”

There was a German, a American and a Pollock on death row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1 was to be shot, 2 was to be hung, 3 was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.

So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom He was dead instantly).

Then the American said, “Just hang me.” (Snap he was dead)

Then the Pollock said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him his first shot and he fell down laughing , the guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Pollock said give me another one of those shots, so the guards did, now he was laughing so hard he almost was peeing his pants. So finally the Warden said, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

The Pollock replied “You guys are so stupid, I’m wearing a condom.”