Jokes News

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat. His wife say, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”

She says, “Why, are you sick?”

“No” he responds, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife gets up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he says, “Where are you going?”

She says, “I’m going to the doctor too!”

“Why?” he asks.

She responds, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”

A lovely blonde woke up one morning with a burning itch between her legs. She went to the clinic immediately.

After she was examined, the doctor gave her his diagnosis.
“Miss Appleby, you have acute vaginitis”.

She smiled demurely. “Why thank you, Doctor.”

(This joke only makes sense if you say it to someone else)
Q: What does sex look like from the inside???

A: (make a circle with you thumb and index finger and put it over you nose)

Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life,” the reported asked.

The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“Wow, thats really remarkable!” said the reporter. “And how old are you?” he asked the second man.

“I’m 93,” said the man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. “I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I’m 91,” said the old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. “I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”

“Wow!” said the reporter. “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the man.

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did God give men penises?
So we’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?

How can you tell if you’ve been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch.
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
It’s braille for “suck here”.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you call pulling off a woman’s panty hose?
Foreplay.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn’t get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older she is, the easier it is to pick up.

What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.

How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

What do call an elephant at the North Pole?

Lost

A gentleman wanted to breed a new fighting fish so he crossed a cod with a walleye and called a Cowall. It had the size he wanted but it didn’t have the fight so he crossed it with a Muskie and called it a Cowallskie. It had the size and the fight he wanted but it couldn’t swim.
(Polish Joke)

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this great offer.

I was judge number three. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

JUDGE 3: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

JUDGE 3: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

JUDGE 3: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally”. Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift”.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or some other mild food; not much of a chili.

JUDGE 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled - it’s kind of cute.

Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

JUDGE 3: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

JUDGE 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

JUDGE 3: You could throw a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late! I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE 3: Momma?

Children’s books that never quite made it into circulation “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse”
“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
“How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”
“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?” “Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends”
“Bi-Curious George”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“The Really Popular Kid Who Smoked Snow Bongs and Drank”
“The Medicine Cabinet….Not Just For Adults Anymore”