Jokes News

There were four nuns in a car one day and the highway patrolman pulled them over. The highway patrolman went up to the nun that was driving and asked if she had any idea how fast she was going.

The nun replied, “I always go one under the speed limit so I was going 28 mph.”

The state patrolman replied, “Sister you’re on 29 and the speed limit is 55.”

The patrolman looked back and saw one of the nuns just shaking and shaking. He asked, “What is wrong with her? Is she afraid because I pulled her over?”

The nun driving replied, “No, we just got off 198.”

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to see the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying, “I’m extremely sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.”

In shock, the man said, “Could you give me a pen and paper?”

“Do you want to write your will?”

“No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite.”

Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like a new car!

Phil was driving home from the insurance office where he worked when his right rear tire blew. He bumped along to a stop in front of the State Mental Hospital where he noticed that he was being observed by a patient sitting on the grass.

Realizing this was not a dangerous inmate, Phil ignored him and pried off the hubcap. He got the car jacked up and spun the five lug nuts off the wheel, dropping them carefully in the hubcap, which he placed against the curb.

But, struggling to get the flat tire off without dirtying his suit, he accidentally kicked the hubcap, overturning it and spilling the lug nuts into a sewer. This was duly observed by the patient but unnoticed by Phil.

Finally Phil got the old tire off, the new tire on, and was ready to re-place the lug nuts when he saw the hubcap was empty. “What the hell…?” said Phil aloud to no one.

“Excuse me, Sir”, said the patient, “but they fell into the sewer when you kicked the hubcap.”

“Well what the #%$*& am I supposed to do now” said Phil.

“If I might suggest,” said the patient, “borrow a lug nut from each of your other tires. That will hold your spare on until you get to the service station just ahead.”

“Well that’s a great idea”, said Phil. “What are you doing in a mental hospital?”

“I’m not here because I’m stupid”, said the patient. “I’m here because I’m nuts.”

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Ernie Senior, met for lunch. “Well, son,” asked Ernie Senior, “How is married life treating you?”

“Not very well, I’m afraid,” sighed Junior. “It seems I married a nun.”

“A nun?” his father questioned.

“That’s right,” moaned Ernie Junior, “none in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!”

Ernie Senior nodded, knowingly, and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. “Why don’t we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?”

Young Ernie smiled, “Say, Dad, that’s a great idea!”

“Fine,” replied Ernie Senior. “I’ll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates.”

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

(This joke is very visual)

One day a young boy was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker.

“Hello little boy.” said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him.

‘What’s up with the pinky?’ thought the boy. After school the boy went back through the alley and the hooker was back again.

“Hello little boy,” she said and waved at him with her pinky finger.

‘Again with the pinky, what’s up with that?’ wondered the boy, ‘If she’s here again tomorrow I’ll ask.’ Sure enough the next morning the same thing happened.

“Hello little boy,” she said to the boy while waving her pinky finger at him.

“Why are you waving your pinky at me?” asked the boy.

“Because this is how big your penis is,” she replied. The boy walked away embarrassed and determined to get her back.

After school the boy again went down the alley and again the hooker greeted him.

“Hello little boy,” she said as she waved her pinky finger at him.

The little boy then put his fingers in his mouth, spread his lips as wide as they could strech, and answered,

“Hi, lady.”

Yo’ dad is so skinny, when he had an afro in the 60’s, he looked like a microphone

One blonde went to book a train ticket.

She filled the reservation form with name and other details.

In the column which requested for SEX, after some thought, she wrote “Sometimes males, sometimes females”.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

A: Tiger has a better driver.