Jokes News

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two went right to it and made love to his date… leaned over and marked a “l” on the wall….
Feeling sprightly, he went again… and once again at the completion of the act ..marked another “l” on the wall - next to the first.

Figuring he had the bet in the bag.. he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing….fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun’s rays coming in the window… he quickly grabbed his lady and did it one more time…… and marked another “l” on the wall.

Just at that time, his friend enters…and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims, “DAMN! A hundred and eleven… beat me by three!”

This guy isn’t feeling the best so he goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor does some tests and asks him to call back the following week for the results.

When he arrives back the folllowing week the doctor tells him that he has bad news and that the guy has a venereal disease!

Shocked and embarrassed, the guy says, “God I must have picked it up from a toilet seat.”

“Perhaps,” says the doctor, “but you must have been chewing it because you have it in your gums.”

One day a woman’s phone rang and it was her church preacher asking her to bring a pet to church. So on Saturday night, she went to the pet shop to buy a parrot to teach it to pray. She found one and bought it. She brought the bird home and tried to get it to talk, but it wouldn’t.

The next day she woke up and got ready for church. She looked out the window and said, “God damit! It’s raining outside.”

She put the parrot in the car and started to back out of her driveway when a car almost hit her. “Stupid bitch almost hit me!” she screamed.

Then before she got to church, there was a mule in the middle of the road. She said, “Just kick it in the ass! It’ll move!”

She finally got to church and it was very quiet. Suddenly, the bird said, “God damit! It’s raining outside!” Shocked, the woman swung her purse at the bird but missed. The bird squawked, “Stupid bitch almost hit me!” The woman fainted, overcome by shock and embarrassment. Then the bird said, “Just kick it in the ass! It’ll move!”

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death.

What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating… and you finish off as an orgasm…

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of allegedly true 911 calls.
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Nobody Knows Me ….

Caller: “I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.”
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Deer Roadkill …

Caller: “I’m reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it.”

Call-taker: “Is the deer alive?”

Caller: “Oh, no, it’s run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!”
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This Is A Recording… Not.

Caller: “Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?”
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Better Get The Hell Outta There …

Caller: “We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough).”
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Must Be The Military Calling …

Caller: “Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?”
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Huh ?.

Caller: (irate) “That’s ‘W’ as in Williams and ‘Y’ as in why.”
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You’re On “COPS”…

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): “Get the keg outta here, dude!”
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Waiting To Exhale…

Caller: “He’s not breathing!”

Call-taker: “Can you get the phone close to him?

Caller: “WHY? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?”
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Really Deadly Weapons …

Call-taker: “Does she have any weapons?”

Caller: “Well, she has real long fingernails.”
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That Will Do …

Call-taker: “We’ll need a description of him.”

Caller: “He’s a lawyer.”
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Very Helpful …

Caller: “No, she just didn’t fall…I helped her!”
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That’s Not The Only Thing Missing …

Caller: I’m calling about my missing mailbox.

Call-taker: “What is your address?”

Caller: “It’s gone.”
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Creepy …

Caller: “I’m scared, I just got an Ouija board for my birthday, and now there’s writing on my wall and I can’t get it off……this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!
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#1
Q: What’s the difference between L.A. and New york?

A: The Jerry Springer scouts don’t come to New York.

#2
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?

A: Fill the tank with gas.

HE:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive off

SHE:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re
too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Search purse for gum wrapper with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10.Study instruction for two minutes
11.Hit “cancel”
12.Re-enter correct PIN
13.Check balance
14.Look for envelope
15.Look in purse for pen
16.Fill out deposit slip
17.Endorse checks
18.Make deposit
19.Study instructions
20.Make cash withdrawal
21.Get in car
22.Re-check makeup
23.Look for keys
24.Start car
25.Re-adjust rearview mirror
26.Start pulling away
27.STOP
28.Back up to machine
29.Get out of car
30.Take card and receipt
31.Get back in car
32.Put card in wallet
33.Put receipt in checkbook
34.Enter deposits and withdrawals
in checkbook
35.Clear area in purse for wallet
and checkbook
36.Put car in gear, Reverse
37.Put car in Drive
38.Drive away from ATM
39.Travel 3 miles
40.Release parking brake

One day parents of a young boy decided to test him to see what kind of career he would later choose. So before the boy came home the parents set out on the table a whiskey bottle, a Bible, a $100 bill, and a porno magazine.

If the boy chose the whiskey bottle it meant that he would grow up to be a drunk. The bible meant that he would grow up to be a preacher. The $100 bill meant he would be a successful businessman. The porno mag meant he would be a criminal.

The boy came home to find the items on the table not knowing that his parents were watching. The boy first picked up the whiskey bottle, looked it over and set it down. Then he picked up the Bible, looked it over and set it down. He did the same with the money and the porno magazine. The parents anxiously watched and waited.

Finally, the boy picked up the whiskey bottle, the Bible, the money and the porno magazine and walked away. The boy’s mother, obviously troubled, starting weeping as the father asked her, “What does it mean? What’s he gonna be?”

The mother cried out, “He’s going to be a politician!”

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to raise chickens. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

A week later, the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later, the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”

“Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”