Jokes News

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming. . .that was me.”

Yo mama got so many gaps in her teeth it look like her tongue in jail!!

An airoplane is about to crash land. The pilot yells over the intercom to the passengers to throw something out the window so that the crash won’t be as bad. A young irish blonde throws out a case o whisky, a big english bloke lobs out a case o cigs and an Iraq phsyco throws out a bomb. Five minutes later a women is walking along a street. She see’s a little girl crying. “What’s the matter dear?” she asks. “A big case of whisky fell on me ‘ead” the girl replies. The women keeps on walking and she see’s another little girl crying. “What’s the matter dear?” she asks. “A big case of cigs fell on my head” the girl replies. The woman walks on and she see’s a little fat kid rolling on the floor pissing himself laughing. “What are you laughing about” she asks. “Ha ha ha! I farted and that f*****g building behind me blew up!

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “Excuse me, what’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “Excuse me, what’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “Excuse me, what’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me? What’s ‘excuse me’?”

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”.

So she said “There’ll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny, tell me your REAL name!”.

The kid said “No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.

You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don’t believe me!”

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and directly asked the class “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?”

“Heck no!” replied a little kid from the front row, “We don’t even get a cookie break!”

If cigarettes are “coffin nails” is chewing tobacco “coffin glue”?

If a “bakers dozen” is 13 is a “politicians dozen” 11?

When it says “Sodium Free” is the product free of sodium or are they not charging you for the salt?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

After a desert sandstorm do trucks go around and put ice on the roads?

If a couch potato eats french fries is it considered cannibalism?

If two lovers share the same case of mono, why isn’t it called duo?

If you filled a toilet with water from the bemuda triangle would it eliminate the need to flush?

Has anyone really killed two birds with the same stone?

Q: Have you heard about the new cartoon character that Warner Brothers has created for the Spanish-speaking audience?

A: His name is “Por-Que Pig”
(that’s P-P-P-P-P-Por-kay P-P-Pig)

What is an Agnostic, Dyslexic, insomniac?

A person that stays up all night, wondering if there is a DOG!

Did you hear about the baby who was born with no eyelids? The doctors circumcised him and used the skin from there to make eyelids.

The doctors say he will be fine, but he will always be a little cock-eyed!

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. university? The scientists were cloning monkeys, and one of them blew up.

The scientists are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus’ pieces.