Jokes News

A man and his wife took a golfing trip up to Minnosota. Neither of them did very good so they decided to go to golf lessons.
The guy went first. The instrunctor told him to grip the clubs like he holds his wifes breasts.

He swings and hits the ball 285 yards down the fairway.
Then its the womans turn. The instructor tells her to hold the club like she holds her husbands penis.

So she swings and hits the ball 15 yards down the fairway. “That was good,” the instructor said, “but this time take the club out of your mouth and try again.”

Heard over The US Armed Forces Radio Station, Okinawa, in 1959.

“HELLLLOOOO Okinawa!!!!!!”

For all you civilian employees the time is now 4:30.

For you guys in the Army and Air Force that’s 1630 hours.

For you guys in the Navy that’s 8 Bells.

For you Marines……..the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is right in between the 4 and 5.

Two gentlemen, both hard of hearing and strangers to each other, were about to ride the London Underground. One of them, peering at the station they were entering, said, “Pardon me, Sir, but is this Wembley?”

“No,” said the other, “Thursday.”

“No, thank you,” said the first. “I’ve alread had my little drink.”

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today!”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl, “You just change y to i and add es.”

Over drinks one evening, two gentlemen were having a discussion about the charms or lack there-of of Pamela Anderson.

“I say she’s highly over-rated,” said one. “Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs, those great boobs, the rest of her figure and what have you got?”

“My wife,” said the other with a heavy sigh . . . .

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

“Were these dishes EVER washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

“She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here, Soap! Here, Water!”

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s an engineer.”

Annie Jane Giddens, Hohira, GA, was born the same hour of the same day of the same week of the same month in the same room of the same house as her mother was, and she was attended by the same doctor!

“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do when your son misbehaves?” asked his friend.

“I send him to OUR room.”

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?