Jokes News

Yo momma so old she swam in the dead sea when it was still alive.

This is something I heard by a number of people last time I went to Greece and as far as I know it is a true story.

A couple goes into the emergency room. The guy had a bleeding bruised penis and the woman had a red round bruise mark on her back, 8-9 inches in diameter. The people at the hospital told them that they will take care of them however, they would have to tell them what happened because they were suspecting domestic violence and they would have to report it to the police. (Apparently someone else other than the doctor must have been listening, too).

So the couple not wanting to get the police involved, agreed to tell them what happened.

The woman was giving the guy a blow job as he was cooking an omelette in the kitchen. At some point in time he decided to flip the omelette, however, he missed the pan and it fell on her back. The omelet coming straight out of the fryer burned her and her automatic reflex to the pain was to bite down (forgetting what it was she had in her mouth). Apparently that hurt a lot and the guy’s reaction was to hit the woman in the back with the pan that was straight out of the fire.

True or not I cannot get this picture out of my head.

This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register. She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said “One box of large condoms to register 5.”

The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of medium sized condoms to register 5.”

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, “Clean up at register 5!”

There are 3 women at an interview for NASA, a blonde a brunet and a redhead.

First, the brunet goes in and the man asks her, “If you could go to any planet, where would you go and why?”

She answers, “Saturn so I could see the rings.”

Next comes the redhead and is asked the same quetion. She replies, “Jupiter, because I love the color red!”

Finally the blonde comes in and is also asked the same question. She answers, “I would go to the sun because its so bright.”

The man says, “But don’t you know that if you go to the sun you will be burned?”

” Well, duh, I’d go at night!”

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go to her grandma’s house in the forest, so she put on her little red dress, her little red panties, and her little red socks. Her mother told her she better be careful, ’cause if the big bad wolf finds her he will pull her little red dress up, her little red panties down, and screw her little red socks off.

Little Red Riding Hood said, “No he won’t ’cause I have this gun.” So her mother said that was ok. On her way to her grandma’s house, she saw the park ranger. He told her she better watch out because the big bad wolf is around and he will pull her little red dress up, pull her little red panties down, and screw her little red socks off. She replied, “No he won’t because I have this gun.” Park ranger said ok and so Red went on her merry little way.

All of a sudden she met up with the big bad wolf! He said,”Little Red Riding Hood, I am gonna pull your little red dress up, your little red panties down, and screw your little red socks off!” So Little Red Riding Hood pulls out her gun and aims it at the wolf and says,”NO YOU’RE NOT, YOU’RE GONNA EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE STORY SAYS!!!”

Companies are changing by adding an “e” or an “i” to the beginning of their name as they go after Internet based business.

Vanna was right, it does pay to buy a vowel.

Bob Dole chose to take Viagra because he thought it would help him with his election.

Late one night, two middle aged guys were driving home from a fishing trip in the woods, when their car stalled out and died. After doing everything they could to get the truck running again, it still wouldn’t start. So, they decided to walk to the nearest house and call a tow truck.

They had walked nearly two miles before they came across an old farmhouse. An old man sat out on the porch whittling on a piece of wood.

“Excuse me sir,” said one of the men, “Our truck broke down a few miles back and we need to use your phone.”

“Ain’t got no phone.” came the reply. “You kin spend the night if’n you like, and I’ll gib’ you a ride to town in the mornin’.”

“Sure.” said the two men simultaneously.

“There’s just one problem,” spoke the old man, “One of you’ll have to sleep with the baby and one of you’ll have to sleep in the barn, cause we ain’t got much room in the house.”

Well the first of the two men thought for a minute. “I’ll sleep in the barn, cause generally baby’s are messy and they’re loud. Wouldn’t get much sleep.” So he went out to the barn and went to sleep while the other of the two men went in the house to sleep with the baby.

The next morning, the man in the barn woke up yawning and walked out of the barn to stretch, when a beautiful young woman came bouncing out of the house and out to the barn.

“Hi,” she said, “My name’s Baby. Who are you?”

“I’m the damn fool who slept in the barn!”

Here’s a little tip from an experienced traveler.

A wake-up call is the worst way to wake up. The phone rings; it’s so loud; you can’t turn it down. So leave the number of the room next to you. Then you’ll hear a muffled ring, and you hear a guy yell, “What are you calling ME for?”

Then you get up and take a shower. It’s great!

A troupe of traveling actors had taken the long bus ride from Pittsburgh to Detroit where they were scheduled to perform Hamlet that night. Derek Drake, the handsome leading man, must have been sitting in a draft because when they arrived in Detroit just six hours before the Sunday night performance, he had a scratchy throat and laryngitis.

Tracy Towers, the troupe’s leading lady, frantically began phoning doctors listed in the yellow pages, but all she got were answering machines. She told the stage manager that unless Derek saw a doctor there would be no performance that night.

Fortunately, the stage manager knew a country doctor only about a 45 minute drive from Detroit who would see patients whenever he was needed, so they put Derek in a taxi and sent him off.

When he arrived at the old doctor’s farmhouse, Derek was greeted at the door by the doctor’s wife, quite a good looking woman.

“Hello”, whispered Derek. “Is the doctor at home?”

“No”, his wife whispered conspiratorially, “he’s gone fishing. Come on in.”