Jokes News

a small boy is sitting on a curb with a bottle of liquid. a preacher comes by and asks, so what do you have in that bottle? The boy replies why this is terpertine the most powerful liquid in the world

the preacher tells the boy that he is wrong and that holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world to which the boy asks, well what can you do with that?

The preacher says you can rub two or three drops of holy water on the stomach of a pregant woman and she’ll pass a baby.

Ah hell preache the boy said that ain’t nothing you can rub one drop of this terpentine on a cat’s ass and he’ll pass a motorcycle

The 6th grade teacher, asked the class one day if any of the students knew anything about sex. Little Johnny stood up and said,” I do from watching a John Wayne movie on t.v.”

Well, the teacher thought a little bit and asked, “Johnny, John Wayne movies are Westerns aren’t they?”

He replies,” Of course they are.”

She says,” Well what does that have to do with sex?”

“Let me tell ya! John Wayne was riding his horse and 8 indians were chasing him, John Wayne jumped off his horse and when the indians got close enough, he shot them all dead.”

The teacher said,” Well I still don’t understand what that has to do with sex?”

Little Johnny replied,” It taught them indians not to fuck with John Wayne!”

One day little Johnny came home from school and saw that a new house was being built down the block. His mom told him he could go watch if he promised to be very careful and stay out of the way.

When he got back, he was very excited and told his mom he learned something new. “Take one end of this piece of string and go to the other end of the room.” After she did this, he tried to line her up, “Cunt hair left, no, now a cunt hair right…”

His mom was shocked. “Johnny, I told you you’d get a whipping if you used that kind of language, now go out back and get me a switch.”

Johnny replied, “Fuck the switch, Mom. That’s the electrician’s job.”

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand writing on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

“Dear God. Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.

P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office!”

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”

His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”

He came back with, “I don’t complain when you go out and buy a new bra!”

Your mum is so fat she can’t tell that she’s a man

Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

“To remove that vibrator,” said the doctor, “I’m going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.”

“I don’t think I can afford that,” said Sally. “Could you just replace the batteries?”

Two women were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed a man strut by . . . shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts.

“He must think,” the first woman said, shaking her head, “that he is God’s gift to women.”

The second one laughed and said, “I hope he kept the receipt.”

“Ok, now who can recite the alphabet for the class?” asked Johnny’s teacher. “Raise your hand if you would like to try”.

Johnny raised his hand, yelling, “Teacher, teacher! I have to pee!”

“Ok Johnny, recite your alphabet, then you can go. Well, not wanting to be rude to the teacher, Johnny started slowly.

“Stand up when you speak,” said the teacher. He stood up, crossing his legs. “ABCDEFG… um.. HIJK… hmmm… LMNO…. ummm..QRSTUVWXYZ”

“Very good,” said the teacher, “but where is your P?”

“It’s running down my leg!” said Johnny.

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air.

Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys, one at a time!”