Jokes News

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding? The cop got out of his car, and the young man rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The guy replied, “Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with a warning, but no ticket.

My step-father told me this one.

Q: What did one firefly say to another firefly?

(when saying the answer-put your arms behind your back like wings.)

A: Glow Girl!!

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would enjoy galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Masters planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages.

Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.

The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them holographically to: jobs@darkside.com.

Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.

There are two Irishmen looking for work and they see a sign-TREE FELLERS WANTED-

“Oh oh, just take a look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only the two of us.”

What did one nut say to the other nut?

Why are we the one’s hanging? Dick did the shooting.

What do a blonde and a rollercoaster have in common?

Every one gets a turn.

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were about 200 women walking in a single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity any longer. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am sorry for your loss and I know that now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

“Could I borrow that dog?”

“Get in line.”

A blonde bought a bird expecting it to talk. After a few days the bird had not said a thing. So she went back to the pet store and asked what she could do to make the bird talk. The guy said to get the bird a ladder so she bought a ladder. The bird never talked.

She went back to the store again and asked what she could do to make her bird talk. The guy said to get the bird a swing. She got a swing. The bird never talked.

She went back to the store again and asked what more could she do. The guy told her to get the bird a mirror. She goes back to the store after a few days and the guy asks her, “Did you get your bird to talk?”

The blonde says, “Well he died, but his last and only word was ‘Food!’”

what is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, Bill clinton???

A; George washington could never tell a lie, Richard Nixon could never tell the truth, Bill Clinton can never tell the difference!!!!

Peter was going on his first flight and he was so nervous about flying that the stewartess had to ask the pilot to talk to him to calm him down.

“Look, Pete” the pilot said, “there’s really nothing to be worried about, this is the safest plane in the sky!”

“Really?” Peter said with a gleam of hope in his eyes.

“Yeah, so just relax, lay back, have a few drinks, get drunk and pass out, and the flight will over before you know it.”

The pilot calmed Peter down, until he said, “Hell, that’s what I’m gonna’ do!”