Jokes News

As a painless way to save money a young couple decides that whenever they have sex, the husband will put his pocket change in a piggy bank next to the bed.

One night, the man is feeling unusually athletic and accidently knocks over the piggy bank and it smashes into pieces on the floor. The man sees that among the masses of coins there are five and ten dollar bills. The man asks his wife what’s up. “Well,” replied the wife, “not everyone is as cheap as you.”

Q. What do women and screen doors have in common?

A. The harder you bang them the looser they get.

A husband and wife had two beautiful teen-aged daughters. They had been wanting a boy for some time, so they tried one more time for a boy. Well, nine months later, they had a healthy baby boy. The father was so excited he finally got a boy. He rushed to the nursery to see him. When he got there, he was horrified to see a ugly baby boy in there. He went to see his wife and said, “Did you cheat on me?” The wife said with a smirk, “Not this time.”

This elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

“Well, Father,” began the old man. “At the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing,” interjected the priest, “but it’s certainly nothing you need to confess.”

“It gets worse, Father,” continued the elderly fellow. “I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding her in the attic by providing me with sexual favors.”

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts and judge you kindly.”

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off my mind. Can I ask you another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”

A couple was driving to California on vacation with their young son. As they passed the Colorado River, the boy suddenly shouted out, “Look, Dad, a dang!”

His father, having no idea what his son was talking about, asked, “What is a dang, son?”

The little boy replied, “Well, it’s really a dam but you told me not to cuss!”

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “Tarzan always check for squirrels.”

Yo mama so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck!