Jokes News

<< LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1.COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2.BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3.DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4.WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5.DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6.YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG

7.IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT

8.IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9.IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10.IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER

11.SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK

12.IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13.WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14.WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE,ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15.ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16.NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17.DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18.THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19.WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20.A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21.NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

22.IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON

Q: What do you call a gay person in a sleeping bag.

A: A fruit roll-up.

ARE NORTHERNERS “BLUE-NECKS”?

By now I’m sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don’t know what a moon pie is.

6. You’ve never had an RC cola.

7. You’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

10.You have no idea what a polecat is.

11.You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12.You don’t have bangs.

13.You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16.Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

17.You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-n-knife show.

19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20.You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

22.You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23.The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24.You call binoculars opera glasses.

25.You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27.You don’t know what applique is.

28.You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).

29.You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

30.You’ve never been to a craft show.

31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32.You can do your laundry without quarters.

33.None of your fur coats are homemade.

Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.

Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can’t do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.

The best thing about moving back to my hometown was seeing so many familiar faces. One day, in the grocery store, I recognized a man who had been a good friend of my parents. He noticed me staring, so I quickly introduced myself as John and Helen’s daughter.

“Helen’s daughter!” he exclaimed. “Oh, such a beautiful lady!” He called to his wife,”Martha, come and see Helen’s daughter. You remember Helen–such a beautiful lady.”

“Oh, yes,” Martha replied. “She was always so pretty.”

After raving on and on about my mother, he turned to me and said, “You look just like your father . . .”

In the deepest jungles of Africa, two missionaries were seized by a tribe of hostile cannibals. The cannibals then stripped the missionaries of their clothing, hogtied them and threw them into a large vat of hot boiling water over an open fire with the intention of boiling them alive.

As the missionaries kept praying for a miracle, one of them suddenly burst out laughing. This made the other missionary so confused by his companion’s sudden burst of laughter that he screamed, “What’s the matter with you? Here we are being boiled alive for lunch and you are laughing your heart out! Do you find anything hilarious about all this?”

With tears in his eyes from laughing so much, the laughing missionary said, “I just peed in the soup!”

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscurring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I
found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

There is a boy who lives on the farm and every morning he goes out to do his chores.

The boy goes out to milk the cows, once he milks them he kicks the cows in the head. Then the boy goes out to feed the pigs, he feeds them and then kicks the pigs in the head also. The last he goes to the chickens and kicks them in the heads as well then takes their eggs. Now he goes home for breakfast.

As the boy sits down for breakfast the mother says “I saw what you did to those poor animals and for hurting the cow you do not get any milk for breakfast, for the pigs you do not get any bacon, sausage, or ham for breakfast, and for the chickens you do not get any eggs for breakfast.” So the now saddened little boy had dry cereal for breakfast.

Later that night the whole family sits down for supper, and the father then kicks the cat. The boy looks at his mother and asks, “Well are you going to tell him or should I??”

Warning: Some of these facts may have expired. Was written in 1995. Also, this is VERY long, but PLEASE read it all…

Q. What was the longest MONOPOLY game ever?
A. 70 days

Q. How many little green houses have been built since the MONOPOLY game began?
A. Approximately 5.1 Billion

Q. What is the longest MOMOPOLY game ever played upside down?
A. 36 hours

Q. What’s the most frequently rolled number with the dice?
A. 7

Q. What’s the value of the most expensive MONOPOLY game ever produced?
A. 1 million dollars! Produced by Sidney Mobell, it had diamonds and other gems.

Q. In the UK edition, “Mayfair” is the name given to which US property?
A. Boardwalk

Q. How many MONOPOLY game houses does Parker Brothers build in a year?
A. 64 million per year

Q.What’s the longest game of MONOPOLY played under water?
A. 45 days

Q.How old is the MOnopoly game?
A. 63 years

Q. Who is credited “father of the MONOPOLY game?”
A. Charles Darrow

Q.What’s the value of the MONOPOLY game money Parker Brothers prints in the course of 1 year?
A. Parker Brothers print over 30 billion game dollars per year.

Q. Which color groups cost the most to purchase and improve (build land on)?
A. Green

Q. What happened at the 1959 American National Exhibition in Moscow?
A. All 6 MONOPOLY game displays copies mysteriously disappeared.

Q. Which Benelux country boasts the current MONOPOLY game World Champion?
A. Jost Van Orten (1992), from the netherlands (Holland), is the current World Champion

Q. True or False: All 4 railroads were named for actual Atlantic City railroads?
A. Not quite true. Three were, but Short Line was named for a local bus company…

Q. Which is the most landed-on property in the game?
A. Illinois Avenue (Red)

Q.What American ecomomic era spurred the invention of the original MONOPOLY game?
A. The Depression

Q.What’s the longest MONOPOLY game played in a bathtub?
A. 99 hours

Q. Which are more likely to benefit you: Chance or Community Chest Cards?
A. Community Chest Cards

Q. How long is the actual Boardwalk in today’s Atlantic City?
A. 7 miles long.

Q. What exclusive store once offered customers a $600, full size, all chocolate MONOPOLY game?
A. Neiman-Marcus

Q. How much money does the average player make on the average trip around the game board?
A. $170

Q. Which property was named for a planned Community situated a few miles outside Atlantic City?
A. “Marvin Gardens”, actually spelled “Marven”, the typo was never fixed.

Q.How many people have ever played the MONOPOLY board game?
A. 480 million

Mary and Jack are girlfriend and boyfriend. One day they go one a walk.

As they are walking, Mary stops and says,” Look there’s a nickel in the road. Jack says,”No, it’s a dime.”

Mary insists that it is a nickel, so Jack goes out to investigate.

Just as he steps into the road, a semi comes along and hits Jack, instantly killing him.

Mary just laughs and laughs because she knew it was really a dime.