Jokes News

Once upon a time there was a race of small creatures who lived at the base of a huge mountain. They called themselves Tridds.

The Tridds had one major problem in their lives in that on the summit of their mountain lived a monster. They tried to make friends with the monster but he always kicked them off the mountain.

One day a traveling rabbi passed their way. (There had to be a rabbi.) The Tridds asked the rabbi to go up the mountain and plead their case with the monster.

So, the rabbi climbed to the top of the mountain where he found the monster sitting in his favorite chair. While trying to hide he accidently made a noise. The monster looked up, motioned to the rabbi and said, “Come on over, sit down, have a beer.”

Puzzled, the rabbi said, “I thought you kicked everyone off the mountain.”

The monster replied, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Tridds.”

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:

__ I am making all A’s
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can’t read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your “white glove” test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don’t inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven’t been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

A girl came home from school one day, and asked her mother,” is it true what i herd from a freind today, that girls have babies where boys put their thingies?”
The mother was releived that her daughter was ok with talking about sex. the mother replied,”yes dear. it is true.”
The daughter then asked,”wont it knock my teeth out when i have a baby then?”

Q. What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A. A scrotum pole

A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.

She asks, “What’s this for?”

“This is for your headache,” he says.

She replies, “But I don’t have a headache.”

He smiles and says, “Gotcha!”

A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog said to him,
“Hey, mister! Wanna make some quick money?” The man couldn’t believe his ears.

He said to the dog, “Can you talk?”

“Yeah,” the dog answered, “and that’s how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I’m your dog, and bet everybody I can talk.”

The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk.

The other patrons didn’t believe him, and it wasn’t long before several thousand dollars had been bet.
Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, ” All right, go ahead and say something.”

Nothing.

He told the dog again, “Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something !”

The dog just looked at him and whined. The man, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn’t say a word. Finally, the guy had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out.

Once outside, he screamed, “You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I kill you?”

“Use your head, mister,” the dog answered. “Tomorrow night, we’ll be able to get five-to-one.”

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nose boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman’s office. Since George, the foreman, wasn’t around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. “You!” he boomed. “How much do you make a week?”

The young man looked up indifferently. “$250,” he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier’s office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. “Take it,” he said, “and get out! Don’t let me see you around here again!”

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of response, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger. “That idler in front of your office,” Swiller said. “I just gave him a week’s pay and fired him. What’s the matter with you, allowing him to just stand around like that as though he had nothing to do?”

“You mean the kid in the red shirt? He was waiting for the $20 we owe him for lunch,” George said. “He works for the coffee shop around the corner.”

One day, a little girl is watching her mother load the dishwasher. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She asks her mother, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mommy?”

Mommy replies, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then asked, “Mommy, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”