Jokes News

One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”

Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”

With a questioned look on his face, the man replied, “What’s that?”

“I’ll give you an example,” said the professor. “Do you have a weedeater?”

Although the question seemed strange, the man answered, “Yes, I do”

“Well, if you have a weedeater, then you must have a yard, do you have a yard?”

The man nods.

“Then, if you have a yard, I’ll bet you have a house.”

Again, the man agrees.

“Because you have a house, you must have a wife?”

Once more, the man nods.

“If you have a wife, you must be heterosexual, correct?”

The man again agrees. The man finishes up the full course and heads back to Alabama. When he comes across his best friend, his friend’s first question was, “What did you learn?”

He replies, “I learned about the power of reasoning.”

“What’s that?” his friend asks.

Then the man asks him, “Well, do you have a weedeater?”

“Nope,” his friend replies.

The man then starts to walk away, and with a low voice says, “You faggot.”

TOP 20 JEWISH COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES

20. “If You Want to Play in Tel Aviv, You Gotta’ Have a Clarinet in the Band”

19. “I’ve Got Your Yarmulke, She’s Got You”

18. “You Put Out All The Candles On The Menorah Of My Heart”

17. “Achey-Breakey Matzoh”

16. “I Got Friends in Low Synagogues”

15. “My New Rabbi’s Named Jack Daniels”

14. “Bubba Shot the Cantor”

13. “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”

12. “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”

11. “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”

10. “Stand by Your Mensch”

9. “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”

8. “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”

7. “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”

6. “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”

5. “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye’”

4. “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin’”

3. “You Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”

2. “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift!)”

And the #1 Jewish Country Western Song Title:

1. “I Was One of the Chosen People (’Til She Chose Somebody Else)”

Artery…Study of Paintings

Bacteria…Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium…What to do when patient dies

Bowels…Letters A, E, I, O and U

Caesarean Section…District in Rome

Cat Scan…Looking for kitty

Cauterize…Made eye contact

Colic…Sheep Dog

Coma…Punctuation Mark

Congenital…Friendly

D & C…Where Washington is

Dilate…To live a long time

Enema…Opposite of friend

Fester…Quicker

Genital…Not Jewish

Hang Nail…Coat Hook

Impotent…Well-known, distinguished

Labor Pain…Hurt at Work

Morbid…Higher offer

Nitrate…Cheaper than day

Node..Was aware of.

Outpatient…Person fainted

Post Op…Mail Room

Recovery Room…Place to upholster couch

Rectum…Patient will never be the same

Rheumatic…Candlelight and wine

Secretion…Hiding something

Tablet…Small table

Terminal Illness…Sick at the airport

Tibia…Country run by Khaddaffy

Tumor…Bring another couple

Urine…Opposite of “you’re out”

Varicose…Nearby

Vein…Conceited

As the result of some horseplay with a teammate, football Hall of Famer Bronko Nagurski once fell out of a second-floor window. A crowd gathered. A policeman appeared. He asked, “What happened? Replied Nagurski, “I don’t know. I just got here myself.”

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door, then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my left, then my right elbow?”

“Surely you’re not coming empty-handed, are you?”

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”.When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said,”But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand…..I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied,–You must have been quite a strong boy.”
WHen I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy Sex at the wedding. My family is barred from that church from that day on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is for sex. I said, “you don’t understand…. sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just lokking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should’ve sold my own tickets. “you don’t understand,” I said “I hoped to have Sex on tv.” He called me a show off.
When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The judge said “Me Too!”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”–My case comes up next thursday.
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my bestf riend all my life but not it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

In a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, “Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”

A son came to the conclusion that he must put his dad in a nursing home, because his father could no longer get around.

His father called him after the first night and said, “Son I’m so glad you put me in here.”

“Why Dad?” his son asked

“Because I woke up today with the biggest erection, I’ve had in years. And the nurse saw it and gave me oral sex.”

“That’s great, Dad!” the son replied and they both hung up.

Two days later his dad called again, “Son get me out of here!”

“But Dad, you loved it the other day, what happened?” his son questioned.

“Well today I fell down on my face, and a big nurse assistant came over and fucked me in the ass,” his dad proclaimed.

“Well, Dad, you must take the good with the bad,” his son said.

“Son, you don’t understand — I wake up with a hard-on once a year, but I fall down five times a week!”

1. Yo Mama is soo fat, she stepped on a dollar bill and made change.
2. Yo Mama is soo stupid, she thought she needed an x-ray when she broke wind.
3. Yo Mama is soo ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her with a lawsuit.
4. Yo Mama is soo fat, if she fell she would rock herself to sleep trying to get up.