Jokes News

Men think too much as they have two heads.

Women talk too much as they have four lips.

yo mamma’s so fat that god couldn’t even lift her spirit.

Why doesn’t India go to a soccer world cup?Everytime they get a corner they open a shop.

A bunch of country dogs, out for the first time in the big city happen upon a long street lined with parking meters.

At the sight of these unusual meters one country dog looks to another and says, “well wouldja lookit that, them thar are pay toilets.”

not funny, but honest

A conserned farmer is wondering what his son is going to be when he grows up. So he takes his son to a psychic. The farmer askes the psychic, “Can you tell me what my son is going to be when he grows up?” The psychic says, “Yeah sure.” So the psychic puts the boy in an empty room with a table and chair. He places an apple, bible and a 50 cent peice on the table. The psychic leaves the room and came back twenty minutes later and the boy hasn’t moved at all. So the psychic leaves again and comes back twenty more minutes. This time, the boy is sitting on the bible eating the apple and flipping the coin on his finger. The farmer looks at the psychic and askes, “What’s he going to be?” The psychic responds, “He isn’t goin to be a farmer a priest nor banker. He’s going to be a politician!”

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree there that no woodpecker can peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe!

The Texas woodpeck then challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to come to Texas and try to peck this certain tree there that no woodpecker had ever been able to peck successfully.

The Alaskan woodpecker said he was sure he would be able to do it. So, after flying down to Texas, he successfully pecked the tree!

The two woodpeckers then had a discussion about why they were each unable to peck those trees in their own states. After thinking about this problem for some time, they both came to the same conclusion: “Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home…”

Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry sir, the spider in the bread will get it.
Customer: Waiter! There is a spider in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry! The frog should surface any moment now.

Customer:Waiter, There’s another fly in my soup.
Waiter: Now, there is a fly that knows some good soup. But if you insist I will get you the fly swatter.

Customer: What is the fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: It looks like he is doing the backstroke to me.
Customer: There is a fly in my apple sauce!
Waiter: Of course sir, its a fruit fly.

Customer: There’s a twig in my soup!
Waiter: Now hold on sir, we definitely need the branch manager for this!

Customer: Is your drinking water healthy?
Waiter: Yes,sir. We only use well water!

Customer:Waiter, this coffee tastes like soil.
Waiter: It was ground this morning.

Waiter: Do you usually like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Customer: There is another fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shhhhhhhh! Everyone will want one. Sir, you are eating a noon lunch…. and this is a fly by night place.

Once there were three girls on a deserted island. There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. Acorrding to their calculations, they were only 20 miles away from mainland. The brunette said, “I can swim pretty far. I am going to try to get to the mainland”. So she gets in the water. She swims 5 miles and gets tired and drowns.

The red head gets in the water and tries the same thing. 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles. She is almost there but she drowns.

Then the blonde gets in. 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles, 16 miles, 17 miles, 18 miles, 19 miles, almost there only one mile away and she gets really tired …. so she swims back to the island.

There was a smart man, a smart woman and santa in a lift. There was a penny in the middle of the lift. Who picks it up?

The smart man because the others dont exist.

A man came home to find his wife in bed with his best friend, so he shot his wife and decided to give the dog a second chance…