Jokes News

Hey….I’d talk about YOUR mama…..

but I don’t even know the man.

The class was playing a spelling game when the teacher asked for a word beginning with ‘A’.
Johnny shot his arm into the air and blurted out ‘Asshole’.

The teacher warned Johnny not to use such language again.

She then asked for a word starting with ‘B’. Again Johnny shocked the class as he exclaimed ‘Bastard, miss.’

The teacher suitably repremanded Johnny and continued on.

She decided to skip ‘C’ as she could imagine what Johnny would say.

‘D’ was next on the list and when Johnny shot out with ‘Dwarf’ the teacher was very surprised.
She was so impressed that he refrained from expletives, she asked for him to explain to the class what a dwarf is.

He proudly stood up in front of the class and said, “A short little fucker around so high.”

Top Bumper Sticker’s seen around the world!

1.Constipated people don’t give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink don’t park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don’t succeed…blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken…watch for finger.
15. It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, “It’s my turn.”

“What do you mean, your turn?” yelled the husband.

“In bed,” she explained, “you’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.”

A little boy woke up crying and ran to see his mother. “Mummy, Mummy. A voice came to me in my sleep. It said that my grandmother would die today.”
The mother comforted him and told him not to worry, it was only a dream.

But when he came home from school, he found his mum crying. She said that her mother had died a few hours ago.

That night the voice returned. This time it said that the house on the corner would burn down on Friday night. The mother comforted him, telling him it was all a dream. But sure enough, the whole street was woken by the sound of fire engines.

A few weeks passed and the voice in his dreams returned. This time it said, “Your father is going to die at exactly 12 noon today.”

The little boy was horrified. So his dad said he would stay home to comfort him. He did his best. As they sat at the table for lunch, the hands on the clock reached 12 noon and nothing happened. The child relaxed and became more relieved as the minutes ticked by.

But after five minutes there was a loud knock at the door. The woman from across the street was at the door, she blurted out, “Come quick! The milkman dropped dead in the middle of the street about five minutes ago!”

A woman had just gotten out of the shower where husband is now. She hears a knock at the door and without thinking of the towel around her being the only thing covering her she answers it.

At the door stands her husband’s friend John. “Yes, can I help you?” she asks. “Well”, replies John, “I’ll give you $150 to drop that towel of yours!” Overwhelmed by the offer she blushes, but decides she could use the money so agrees to do it. (After all, what’s wrong with a little harmless nudity?)

So she drops the towel slowly and the man just stands there looking at her perfect exposed body. He then gives her the money and walks off. “Strange,” thought the woman as she headed to the bedroom where her husband was now getting dressed.

“Who was at the door?” he asked “Just your friend John.” she replied.

“Well,” he said, “did he give you the $150 he owes me?!”

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he hired a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

“What are those drums?” asked the anthropologist, knowing they were in cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said “No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.”

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

“Do as I do! Very important!” intoned the guide with great urgency.

“Why? What does this mean?” asked the panicked anthropologist.

“Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!”

The cleaning crew was cleaning the lobby of an impressive hotel. They cleaned around a guest who had obviously imbibed a bit much, to the point where he was sprawled across several chairs, his clothes were in disarray, and he was moaning gently. They went on and cleaned the rest of the hotel, and as they were ending their shift 8 hours later, one of the crew (his name was Joe) noticed the drunk hadn’t moved.

Joe thought about it and decided to check further. He went to the man and nudged him a bit. The man moaned.

Joe asked, “Hey man, how long you been here?”

The man moaned some more, obviously in great pain, and mumbled, “Since last night.”

Joe, thinking he should get the man to his room, asked, “Hey, where you from?”

The man moaned again, and croaked, “From the balcony.”