Jokes News

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.

Michael says, “How long before we can have sex?”

The doctor says, “At least wait until he’s walking.”

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: “You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.”

“Impossible”, said the embarrassed man, “You really know what I think?”

“Yes”, the lady replied, “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”

The Nice Guy

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I’m late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it’s a sixpack of beer
E. I take a knife

2.”Women are special.” Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged

3. Generally, when a girl cancels out of a date…
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don’t get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I’ll accept is death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery

4. When I meet a girl, I…
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off

5. I think women are…
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedestal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth

6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process, blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment

7. On Valentine’s Day…
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but receive few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don’t get any cards and I blame all women for it

8. I get dates…
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn’t enough

9. When I am at a bar…
A. I don’t go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I drink till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in

10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because…
A. I am boring
B. I don’t know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life

11. When I settle down…
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I’ll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can’t settle down. The world is after me

12. Marriage…
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn’t mind when I fool around
E. is impossible

13. If I ever got married I would…
A. have to have Mother’s approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men

14. I get laid…
A. What does “getting laid” mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I’m not sure how many times, but it’s somewhere between 365 times a year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot

15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are…
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickets to professional wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date’s credit card bill to see the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each “A” answer 0 points, 1 point for each “B” answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer “E”.
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA‘S BOY
Move back home, if you aren’t there already. You are looking for a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, they don’t have any interest in you. If a Mama’s boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill. .They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or stands to gain from an inheritance. The negative side is that you will have to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to “Mad” Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get laid.

If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren’t. It depends on the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably want what you probably can’t get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be controlled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase, the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O’Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO
You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum, open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as Mama’s boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help immediately.
famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.

One day an old man named Ralph went driving on his favorite highway. Twenty minutes into the trip, he looks in his rear-view mirror only to see flashing lights of the state police. Ralph pulls the car to the side of the road and the cop follows him onto the berm.

“License and Registration, please,” said the cop. After looking at the license for a minute, the cop asks Ralph if he knows why he pulled him over.

Ralph replies, “not at all. Why did you pull me over?”

The cop says, “you were obviously speeding, don’t you think?”

“Not really,” replied Ralph. “But, I passed someone who was.”

Did you hear about the Bigger family? There was Father Bigger, Mother Bigger, and Baby Bigger-who was bigger?
Baby Bigger, because he was a little Bigger.

After Father Bigger died, Mother Bigger married Uncle Bigger, who was bigger? Mother Bigger, for she was twice the Bigger.

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it’s a girl or a boy, so I don’t know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

Not much more news this time, write soon.

Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Q: How can you tell when a blind man has been at a whorehouse the night before?

A: One of the girls has a bruised navel.

A woman walks into a bar and orders drinks for the house.

The bartender sets them up then says, “That’ll be $105.50.”

The woman says, “I don’t have any money.”

The bartender says, “Then how do you expect to pay for all these drinks?”

She lifts up her skirt past her crotch. She’s got no panties on.

The bartender says, “Don’t you have anything smaller?”

Liz Taylor’s Operation

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. “I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life!” she announces to the surgeon. “But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 24-years-old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don’t want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like an 24-year-old’s.”

The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to perform the said operation.

“But one thing,” Liz says, “you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!”

“I swear Liz,” the surgeon replies.

The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes textbook perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz’s eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz breaks into tears. “How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! ”

“Now, now Liz, I didn’t tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I’ve been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he’s gay, he’s one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he’s worked side by side with me on your operation.”

Liz’s eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger, “And who sent those?”

“Oh yeah,” the surgeon replied. “Those are from a guy in the burn unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”