Jokes News

Q. What do Bill Clinton and Frank Sinatra have in common?

A. They both touched people all over the world

What do blonde rednecks and dogs have in common?

They both lick their paws…

Cindy Crawford, Ivana Trump, and Whoopi Goldberg are on a plane.

The Announcement system clicks to life and the voice of the captain rings through the cabin…

“Ladies and gentilemen, I am afaraid the plane has just had a major mechanical failure, and is going to crash. There are only enough parachutes for the crew and myself, and we have already used them - - This is a recording.”

Everyone on the plane begins to panic! People are yelling and screaming and making there peace with God. One of the passengers notices Cindy Crawford in her seat frantically trying to put on her makeup.
“What the hell are you doing!?” he screams. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE AND YOU’RE FIXING YOUR HAIR!!!”

“Well I figure not everyone will die, and they will probably go for the most beautiful survivors first,” says Cindy…

“No, you’re wrong” says Ivana, as she puts on all of her most expensive jewels. “They’re going to rescue the richest of us first!”

The two argue on for a few seconds, and then stop as Whoopi walks by, stripping off her clothes layer by layer. By the time she passes them, she is completely naked!

“Whoopi! Whats the matter with you! Is the stress too much!?! Get a grip!!” said the passenger.

“No way!” said Whoopi.. “You’re ALL wrong!”

“Well what do you mean?”

“EVERYBODY knows they ALWAYS find the Black Box!”

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future … until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed.
Women seem to deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change … but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change … but she does.

Married men live longer than single men BUT married men are more willing to die.

Married men should forget their mistakes.
There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in every argument.
Anything that a man might say after that is the beginning of a new argument.

It was a hot humid day in the African jungle.

Elephant got word that tiger needed to talk to him.

Thinking this was very weird because tiger never talked to anyone, he went any way.

Elephant arrived and said, “What seems to be the trouble?”

Tiger replied, “You know I have the worst luck with marriage.”

“Oh ya why,” said elephant.

“Because my first wife left me and my second one won’t.”

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs on top of a window?

Curt “n” Rod!!!

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

This woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what
was the problem she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my
clothes my nipples get hard.”

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath then asked, “Your nipples get hard?”

“Yes,” quite innocently came her reply.

“Undress so I can check,” replied the still amazed doc.

So she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
“Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”

My neighbor was sitting on his porch and he looked pretty annoyed. I asked him what was wrong. He told me about his problems with cloth diapers — smelly, dirty. I told him to buy the disposable kind.

So the next day he was on his porch again. He still looked kind of annoyed. I asked him how the disposable diapers were working out. Before he had a chance to answer, the kid came out with his pants sagging down. I asked my neighbor what had happened. He said, “I don’t know, it said up to 25 pounds.”