Jokes News

You know you’re about to be impeached when:

* When you call to congratulate Mark MacGuire,
he lets his answering machine get it.

* Your press secretary keeps introducing you as William Milhous Clinton.

* You’re invited to appear on Jeopardy’s “Impeached Presidents Week.”

* Tipper Gore is in your office measuring it for new curtains.

* Even the nastiest intern won’t give you the time of day.

* The Library of Congress stops letting you sign out books.

* You walk into the Capitol commissary and 500 people simultaneously say, “shhhhh! He’s here!”

* Somebody changed the locks on Monica Lewinsky.

* Suddenly, everyone’s kissing Al Gore’s big cylinder block head.

* Your new Secret Service code name: “Roadkill !!!”

This guy and girl just got married so they decided to be together. She said, “You must be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

He replies, “How the hell can you still be a virgin if you were married three times before me?”

She says, “Well my first husband was a gynocologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And well, my third husband was a stamp collector, and boy, do I miss him!”

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day while the teacher had asked the kids whenever she gives a letter from A-Z use a word that starts with that letter then use it in a sentence.

The teacher goes ahead with her lesson and Starts out with “A” well Johnny was the first one to raise his hand, but the teacher thinks to herself she had better not, because she knows how Johnny is. So instead she picks Sandra. Sandra replies, “A as in Apple. An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.”

The teacher says, “Good job, Sandra!” and moves on with the letter “B”. Again Johnny is the first one to raise his hand, grunting, and wiggling in his chair. But again the teacher knows how Johnny is so she calls on another little boy named Tommy. Tommy pauses a moment then says, “B is for Breakfast. Breakfast is my favorite meal.” The teacher says good job then moves on to the next letter.

So this keeps going on the teacher gets to the letter “W”, but this time Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher thinks to herself that he could not possibly do any harm with this letter so she gives Johnny the go ahead.

Little Johnny replies, “W is for Woom.” The teacher repeats, “Womb as in a mother’s womb?”

Little Johnny exclaims, “NO! Woom as in 2 Elephants Fucking — WOOM!!! WOOM!!!”

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was greatly pleased and told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife?”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “it’’s a matter of choice. I”d rather hear your sermon that hers.”

Miss Adams was giving her 2nd graders an introduction to History.

“You all know this is our year 1999, but in the Jewish calendar it’s 5759 and in the Chinese calendar it’s 4759. What does that suggest to you, boys and girls?”

Johnny raised his hand.

“Yes, Johnny?” said Miss Adams.

“For a thousand years the Jewish people couldn’t go out to a Chinese restaurant.”

There is a father who is very proud of his son because he is turning 21.

There is only one thing wrong. The son is just a head. No torso, no arms, no legs, just a head.

His father brings his son to a bar on the night of his 21st birthday.

The father is just gleaming with pride and so he orders a beer for his son. His son drinks up, and poof, magically he has arms.

The father, the son, and the rest of the people in the bar are just amazed. He takes another sip, and poof, now he has a torso. His father cheers him on, telling him to take another sip.

So the son takes another sip and he all of the sudden has an entire body. The father is so proud.

He starts to cry.
The son is kind of disoriented and he staggers out of the bar. He then walks into the middle of the road and is hit and killed by a taxi.

The father just starts crying again. The bartender turns and says to the father, “Boy, he should have quit while he was a head.”

Yo mama so small she wears a condom as a raincoat.

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

Two men were sitting on a bench on the side of the road when two old ladies walked by.

The ladies noticed that the two mens’ zippers were un-done and decided that they better inform them.

The said, “Exuse me, but did you know that your zippers are un-done?”

“Yes we did. Yesterday we sat here with our collars open and we got a stiff neck so we were going to see what would happen if we sat here with our zippers open,” they replied.