Jokes News

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:

“In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

“Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?”…

Bad ass Johnny was pushing his wagon up a hill, he was having a difficult time, and because of this he was cursing and swearing all the way up the hill.

A Priest met him half way up and said, “Don’t swear, Jesus can hear you.” So Bad ass Johnny decided he was going to be a smart ass and said, “Is Jesus in the trees?” and the priest replied, “Yes, He can hear you.” Then Bad ass Johnny asked, “Is Jesus in the hill?” and the priest replied “Yes, He can hear you.”

And Johnny finally asked, “Is Jesus in my wagon?” and the priest replied, “Yes, He can hear you.”

Then Bad ass Johnny finally said, “Then tell him to get the fuck out and start pushing!”

Q: how do you know which waitress is a blonde??

A: she has a tampon behind her ear and she’s wondering where her pencil is…

Is a successful elephant a Triumphant????????

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out, you guys. They’re assholes!”

A man was walking down the street and a friend walks by in the opposite direction.

“Hi, Bob.”

“Don’t call me Bob, call me Lucky.”

“Lucky? How come?”

“Well, yesterday was payday and my paycheck blew out the window driving home. All I had left was a dollar to my name.”

“Blew out the window? That doesn’t sound lucky!”

“Oh, yes! I bought a lottery ticket, and won $5,000 dollars!”

“Wow! That was lucky, Lucky!”

A week later they passed on the street again.
“Hi, Lucky”

“Don’t call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky.”

“Lucky Lucky? How come, Lucky?”

“I was in a car wreck.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound lucky, Lucky.”

“Oh, yes!. Five people were killed and I was the only one who survived!”

“Wow, that was lucky, Lucky Lucky!”

A week later they passed yet again.
“Hi, Lucky Lucky.”

“Don’t call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!”

“Lucky Lucky Lucky? How come Lucky Lucky?”

“I was in bed with the neighbor’s wife and he caught us. Shot me in the butt with a shotgun.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound lucky, Lucky Lucky.”

“Oh, yes! Three seconds sooner and it would have been a head shot!”

If both Mother Theresa and Princess Diana were alive today, they’d be awfully mad at having been buried alive!

Little Johnny asks his mother where children come from, and she says, “The doctor brings them.”

Satisfied, Johnny goes out to play with his friend, Willy. As they are playing, two beautiful little girls walk by.

Willy asks, “Who are they?”

Johnny says, “They’re the doctor’s kids. He must keep the best ones for himself.”

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”