Jokes News

THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking.

The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen - coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. “It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave,” she says. “It was so bizarre I just froze.”

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away.

Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. “Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk.

She has not cooked chicken since.

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!”

The husband says, “Wow! That’s great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?”

She says, “I don’t care. Just get the hell out.”

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

But who cares, really!

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and is very satisfied with the results. One day he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” he replies.

“I’m actually 47!” the man says, feeling happy.

After that he goes into McDonald’s for lunch, and asks the server the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks a little old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for five minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Five minutes later the woman says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The little old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s.”

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?”

The jump master looked at him and, in perfect deadpan, answered: “The rest of your life.”

Q: What’s the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a goodyear and the other’s a fantastic year!