Jokes News

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

A: The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“Now what?” responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

You might be a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are “Gentlemen Start Your Engines.”

Silas and Sally were out in the cornfield happily fucking away. It had rained that morning and there was lots of mud on the ground, and they found themselves sliding around a bit in the mud.

“Say, honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?” Silas asked.
Sally felt around and said,”Why Silas, it’s in the mud!”

“Well, put it back in you,” he said.

After a while, Silas asked again,”Honey, is it in you or in the mud?”

“In me, honey. In me,” Sally cooed happily.

“Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?”

It’s a really busy day at work, so when the wife phones her husband, he says there just isn’t time to talk right now.

“Oh, okay,” says his wife. “Just wanted to give you some news and some bad news. Do you have time for either?”

The husband answers, “Well, like I said, it’s really a zoo around here. Why don’t you just quickly give me the good news, and I’ll get the bad news tonight when we’re home together?”

His wife says, “I can do that. Here’s the good news: ‘The air bag works well.’”

There was a doctor who always went to a certain bar & ordered the same thing - a daiquiri with crushed almonds on top. The bartender, Dick, sees him coming in and starts to make his daiquiri but realizes that he doesn’t have any crushed almonds. He asks his co-worker to run next door to the confectionary to buy more. All the guy could find were hickory nuts. He figures they’ll do, so crushes them & sprinkles them over his drink.

The doctor comes over, orders his drink & takes a long swig. He turns to the bartender with an odd expression on his face, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”

The bartender replies, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

How do you cut off the air to a man’s brain?

Put your hand over the end of his penis.

After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and LeLeche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by her beside throughout the labor and delivery. Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife’s hand afterward and said, emotionally, “Tell me how it was, Darling, how it actually felt to give birth.”

“OK, Honey,” his wife replied. “Smile as big as you can.”

Beaming down at his wife and child, the man followed her instructions. “That’s not hard.”

She continued, “Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth.”

He obeyed, smiling broadly. “Now stretch your lips as far as they’ll go,” she went on.

“Still not too tough,” he remarked.

“Right,” she snapped. “Now pull them over your head.”

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver is staring at her throught the rear-view mirror.

“Is there a problem?” she asks.

“No, Sister,” he replies, “but I have a question and don’t want to offend you.”

“Oh, my son,” she smiles, “you won’t offend me. I’ve been a Nun most of my life now, and I’ve seen so much of the human condition that there’s nothing you say could that I would find offensive.”

“All right, Sister,” says the driver. “I’ve always fantasized that a Nun would perform oral sex on me.”

“Oh, my son,” smiles the nun, “that’s not uncommon, but of course you would have to be single and a Catholic.”

“Yes, yes, Sister, I am single and a good Catholic.”

“All right, my son,” smiles the kindly nun, “pull around behind that old warehouse.”

The driver follows her instructions and receives the best oral sex from the nun that he’s ever had in his life. As he pulls back onto the road, she sees him grinning in the rear-view mirror and asks him why.

“I’m sorry, Sister, I was a naughty boy”, smiles the driver. “I’m married and Jewish.”

“No need to apologize”, says the nun. “My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a squeeze of her breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.”