Jokes News

A man is walking his dog when he turns to the dog and says, “Heel!” To which the dog replies, “It takes one to know one.”

When I was a child, we lived near the ocean, and all the kids used to fly kites, but my old man was to cheap to buy me a kite, so he’d just tie a string to a seagull…I’d be crying on the beach, “Dad, why is my kite crapping on me?”

Karen and Ken, a couple in their mid-fifties, had finally decided to tie the knot.

Karen and her girlfriend, Sarah, were discussing the upcoming wedding plans. After describing her beautiful wedding dress, Sarah asked Karen what color her shoes would be.

Karen replied, “I thought Silver would be nice.”

Ken, the eavesdropping fiancee, had to get his two cents in by retorting, “Yes. Silver will be very nice…it will match your hair!”

Sarah, not missing a beat, shot a look at Ken’s bald head and quickly came back with, “So Ken, do you think it’s warm enough for you to go barefooted?”

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up onto Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “And what would you like Santa to bring YOU for Christmas?”

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G. I. Joe.”

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl, “She comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

A man is about to turn 90. His family gets together to plan a party for him. When the subject of a gift comes up, everyone is silent. What could you get for a ninety year old widower?

One of the grandchildren suggests…. “I’m sure grandfather has not had the company of a young lady for quite some time. We could get her an escort”. They discuss and debate, and agree. They phone up the escort agency and get the most beautiful, shapely girl available.

The young model goes to the nursing home, knocks on door, and is greeted by the old, gray man. She opens up her fur coat to reveal her figure…. “I’m here to give you super sex”, she exclaims.

The old man, looking her over, replies, “I’ll take the soup”!

Monica was called to testify in the Clinton Impeachment Trial — the Senators wanted a blow by blow account of what happened in the Oval Office.

(this has got to be the best yo momma joke around)

*yo momma so fat, she got mo rolls than the pillsbury dough boy.

At this pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she was holding.

The clerk explained that it was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

“It won’t work,” countered the blonde.

“Why not?” asked the clerk.

“I’m not the mother; I’m the aunt.”

A young wife complains to her mother about her handsome
young husband.

“He’s never home for dinner. He staggers in about midnight,
smelling of booze and perfume, and stumbles into bed. I scream at him, of course, but he hardly even looks at me.”

“Well you should just see yourself, Debbie. Is that the way you look when he comes home? Curlers in your hair, still wearing that ratty old housecoat?”

“Yes, but why should I bother when he…”

“Now just be quiet and listen to me.” says her mother. “I
want you to get your hair done tomorrow, and then buy a real
sexy negligee. When he comes home, you say “Hey, handsome,
let’s make love”.

The next day, Debbie follows her mother’s advice. She gets
her hair done, buys a see- through nighty and looks gorgeous. That night, when her young husband staggers in,
she says “Hey, handsome, let’s make love”.

“Might as well,” he replies, “I’m gonna get shit when I
get home anyway.”

The Penis requested a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

1. I have to work hard.

2. I have to work at great depths.

3. I have to work upside down.

4. I have no ventilation or air-conditioned environment at work.

5. I have to work in a high humidity environment.

6. I have to work at high temperatures.

7. I do not get weekends and holidays off.

8. I do not get time off after extra hours of work.

9. I have a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

His request denied for the following
reasons:

1. You don’t work 8 hours in a row.

2. You don’t respond immediately to
all demands.

3. After a short activity period, you fall asleep on the job.

4. You show no lotalty to the workplace.

5. You retire too early.

6. You don’t work at all unless pushed from behind.

7. You don’t leave your work area clean after finishing work.

8. You sometimes leave work too early, without first getting permission from your Supervisor.