Jokes News

When Stevie Wonder was in a plane crash, his whole life flashed before his ears.

Hoe do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?
You ever try to take a ribb from a black man?

the worst part about being an egg is… You only get laid once, it takes 11 minutes to get hard, and your mamma is the only one who will sit on your face.

A gentleman was at a bar very late and was extremely drunk. He decided that since he lived close to the bar he would go ahead and walk home.

He tried to get up and fell flat on his face.

He dragged himself across the bar to the door and tried to haul himself up again.

He fell again. he crawled down the street to his front door and tried to stand again. Again he fell.

He managed to drag himself upstairs to his bed. He passed out right there in the floor.

The next morning his wife looked at him and said, “Out drinking again I see!”

He replied, “How’d you know?”

She said, “The bar just called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice…. “How much do you want it to be?”

He got the job.

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.

My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no BODY to go with!!!!

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “I do. My dad taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?” she asked.

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”

“A Jack,” says the kid.

This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked.

“Well, it’s like, thou shalt not commit adultery,” replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, “What’s a commandment?” “Well,” said God, “it’s like, thou shalt not steal.” The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, “How much?” God said, “They’re free.” The Jews said, “Great! we’ll take ten.”

1. Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?

2. I have felt him, my master.

3. Stay on the leader.

4. Luke just has too much of his father in him.

5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.

6. You’re all clear kid, now let’s blow this thing.

– possibly a bit vague –

7. eechurmamma! (Ewokese greeting)

8. I can’t, it’s too big.