Jokes News

There were these three guys on a plane going from Florida to New York. The first, wearing a suit and tie, and reading the NEW YORK TIMES, commented, “Last night I made love to my wife three times. This morning she made me fresh ground coffee, brought the paper to me in bed, and she said I was the best lover in the world.”

“That ain’t nothing!” said the guy reading USA TODAY, dressed in chinos and a casual shirt. “I made love to my wife FOUR times last night, and this morning she made me bacon, eggs, grits and coffee and said there wasn’t another stud like me on the planet!”

They both looked at the third guy reading THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER and wearing jeans and a T-shirt. “How many times did YOU make love to your wife last night?” they asked.

“Once,” came the reply.

“Ha ha . . . and what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop!!!”

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in… one day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm stretched out… “Stop!” he said in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “Ok,” he said, and she went on her way.

Taking the corner near the tv lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her, and shouted, “Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a beer coaster, held it up to him, and he allowed her to carry on.

Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her…. stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.

“Oh, NO,” said Ethel, “not the breathalyzer again !”

Q: What is the difference between beer and pee?

A: About 4 minutes!

A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says, “Yeah, a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not too rare, but right in the groove.”

So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says, “A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.”

The waiter is getting annoyed, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table.

A little while later the waiter comes back and asks the hippy if he wants any dessert. He says, “Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the groove.”

So the waiter says, “Why don’t you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the groove!”

How did Santa end up in the hospital?

He threw the wrong bag over his shoulder. (HaHa.)

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.

One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

Bill Clinton, soon to be a “private” citizen again, wanting to get the feel of regular life again decided to take a comercial airline flight.

After the pilot made his obligatory welcome and flight information announcement, he put the microphone down but didn’t realize he had left it locked in the “send” mode.

He said to his co-pilot, “Boy, this has been one hell of a week. You know, I could really use a blow job and a cup of coffee.”

A stewardess working in the rear of the plane immediately realized that the pilot was unaware that he had left the microphone on, so she went running forward toward the cockpit to warn the pilot.

As she passed by Bill leaned over into the aisle and shouted to her, “Don’t forget his coffee!”

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile.”

Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”

Andy replied, “No, I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television….”

There was a man named Tom who had just joined the army.

One of his commanding officers was showing him around.

At the end of Tom’s tour he seen a camel.Tom asked the officer, “what is the camel for?”

The officer answered “Some of the men around here start to miss there wives so they use the camel.”

Tom says, “That will never happen to me.” After about three weeks, Tom really starts to miss his wife. He has a big boner so he calls his wife but it doesn’t help

Tom finally says, “Get me the camel.” Tom fucks the camel and all the guys are looking at him real weird.

He asks what they are looking at. “Isn’t that what you do?” he says.

They reply, “No we usually ride the camel to town and get a hooker!”

Your mamas so poor she couldn’t afford to pay attention.

Your mamas so short she couldn’t reach a conclusion

Your mamas so short she jumped off of the curb and killed herself.