Jokes News

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents
were, though.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time, his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

The world won’t end today….It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.

If you can’t ignore it, top it.
If you can’t top it, laugh at it.
If you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

An 85 year old man has just settled into his second week stay, after moving to the Sunny View Nursing home.

After years of self neglect, he finally starts to eat the right viddles and vitimans. In giving him a bed wash a nurse is vigourously cleaning his private regions. He feels his loins stiring, something that the nurse notices.

The nurse says, “Just wait a moment and I’ll send our therapist to help you”. About half a minute latter a beautiful, lusty blonde nurse arrives, lifts the bed sheets and gives the old man the best head job he has had in years (it made his greys stand on end).

Later he makes a call to his son and tells him about it. Obviously the son is really chuffed that is dear old dad is getting great nursing care and the old man can’t believe he can still function at 85.

The next day the old man goes for a walk through the nursing home corridors. As he rounds a corner, his knees give way and he hits the floor and can’t get up. As he is laying there a male orderly arrives, looks around, pulls the old man’s pants down and drills him.

When he finally gets help, the old man makes his way back to his room and rings his son. He is very distraught.

Old man– “Son, one day I manage to get a hard on and get the deluxe blow job treatment and the next day I get pokered up the arse, it’s terrible”

Son—”Dad, you have just got to take the good with the bad”

Old Man—”Son, that may be so but I only get an erection once every ten years but I might fall down five times a day.”

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came walking down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you….”

A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t sing. Several people hinted to him that he could better serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

“You’ve GOT to get that man out of my choir,” he said. “If you don’t, I’m going to resign. He sings very loudly and off-key! We practice and practice, and he ruins all our presentations. The other choir members are threatening to quit. Please do something.”

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, “Perhaps you should leave the choir.”

“Why should I get out of the choir?” he asked.

“Well, five or six people have told me you can’t sing.”

“Well, I’ll leave if you will,” the man snorted. “Fifty people have told me that you can’t preach!”

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy, doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t fuckin’ THINK so….”

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the do or while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

A guy walked into the bar with his talking dog, Barney. Barney sat on the stool beside his owner. The bartender said, “We don’t serve drinks to dogs.”

“That’s ok, I have Barney for conversation. He talks you know.”

“Is that so?” said the bartender. “I’ll tell you what, you get Barney here to talk, and drinks are on the house.”

Sure enough, the guy asked Barney to say a few words, and Barney said, “Hey bartender, nice place you’ve got here.”

The bartender was astounded.

“Will you watch my dog while I use the restroom?” The guy asked.

“Sure,” said the bartender.

While the guy was gone, the bartender offered Barney free drinks to talk.

“You don’t serve dogs drinks,” Barney said.

“I’ll give you ten bucks then,” said the bartender.

“Okay,” said Barney. “What would you like me to say?”

“You’ve said enough already,” said the bartender.

With that, Barney took the ten dollars and bounded out the door.

When told what happened, the guy was frantic. He went running out the door looking for Barney.

He caught up with him three blocks down the street. Barney was humping a poodle, who had the ten bucks in her mouth.

“Barney!” exclaimed the guy. “You’ve never done anything like this before.

“I’ve never had ten bucks before,” explained Barney

A gentleman in a very cold downtown New York City was walking down the sidewalk when suddenly, he saw a policeman standing in snow up to his shoulders. He looked at the policeman with a puzzled look and asked him, “Aren’t you cold?”

The policeman said proudly,”Not as cold as my horse!”