Jokes News

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging-and accidentally fell
from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,I’ll give it to you.”

The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!”
“I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Mr. Clinton.

“I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said.
“I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

“And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.

“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”

“No-but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.”

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him:

“Welcome Mr Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.

I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.

To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give
him the best place of all !”

“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t!”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys…”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete!”

What is greater than God,
more evil than Devil,
the poor have it and
the rich need it, and
if you eat it you will die…???
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-now, think about it carefully before you scroll down…no cheating…-
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note: only 20% of Stanford graduates got it but all of kindergartners did–
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Answer: NOTHING

I work at a pharmacy in Alabama. The following are actual encounters I have had:

1.A woman comes in wanting to know why her spermacidal jelly did not work and she ended up pregnant. When we asked how she was using it she replied, “I have eaten the jelly on my toast every morning for the last month!”

2.Another woman came in complaining that she was pregnant. We looked on her profile and noticed she had been getting birth control pills for the last 3 months. When we asked her if she had been taking them regularly she replied, “The pills made me nauseated so I let my husband take them.”

3.The next birth control problem we had come in the store was because a woman had been vaginally inserting the tablets.

4.A lady picks up Amoxil Suspension (a liquid antibiotic) for her son’s ear infection. She came back complaining that his ear infection was worse even though she had poured exactly 1 teaspoonful 3 times a day into his ear.

With Viagra being such a hit, Pfizer is introducing a new line of drugs aimed at improving the performance of women in today’s society:

DRIVEAGRA: One dose of this drug prior to leaving on a car trip will eliminate the woman’s constant compulsion to critique a man’s driving ability. Allows her to understand that she cannot drive from the passenger seat.

MEMORAGRA: One tablet taken daily allowed 95% of women tested the ability to forget things their husbands said or did ten to twenty years earlier and eliminated the desire to use them as defensive mechanisms when they were proven to be wrong.

APPARELLAGRA: Allows a woman to return to her natural desire to look at least as good for her man at home as she does when she gets dolled up for work. Gives her that “June Cleaver” glow.

WARDROBEAGRA: In 98% of women tested, the desire to fill at least 98% of the home’s total closet space with clothes and own more pairs of shoes than Imelda Marcos was significantly reduced.

PARKAGRA: One tablespoon before entering shopping establishments has proven 99% effect in aiding a woman in the return trip to the automobile.

FAULTAGRA: Women taking this pill have an 89% chance of actually admitting when they are wrong.

A guy wakes up one morning and notices a gorilla sitting in the tree outside his bedroom window. He starts to panic, wondering what he should do. Eventually he decides to phone the local zoo.

“Great,” says the zookeeper. “We’ve been looking for that gorilla everywhere. We’ll send a team over right away.”

After ten minutes a van pulls up and out gets a zookeeper, holding a shotgun, followed by a small terrier.

“How do you expect to catch the gorilla with just a gun and a terrier?” asks the man.

“Well, firstly, I am going to give you the gun to hold. Then I’ll climb up into the tree and shake the branch that the gorilla is on, like mad. The gorilla will eventually fall out of the tree and the terrier is trained to run up to the gorilla and bite his privates. That paralyses him and we can then load him into the van and take him back to the zoo.”

“So what is the gun for?” asks the man.

“Well, if by any chance I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - shoot the frigging dog.”

A man wants to go skydiving so he goes to the skydiving place. He gets on the plane and the instructor says, “I just want to tell you if the parachute doesn’t open when you pull the string, be patient and don’t get nervous. Just count to five and pull the emergency parachute cord. If the emergency cord doesn’t work, you better pray to Buddha.”

Sure enough, the man’s parachute doesn’t work. He remembers to count to five then pull the emergency cord. Once he pulls the cord he finds out his emergency parachute doesn’t come out either. He then starts praying to Buddha. “Oh Buddha help me. PLEASE!”

Just then, a big hand comes out of nowhere and gently places him on the ground. Then the man says, “Thank God!” and the big hand smashes him flat.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet, country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her skirt. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night, she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On their third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear Diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”