Jokes News

Why doesn’t a skeleton play the piano? Because he had no organs.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend’s welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said “Doctor, I’m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”

The doctor replied, “Well, she’s 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”

The patient’s friend replied, “She’s been working since she was 18 years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “if she’s been working for 16 years and hasn’t rejected an organ yet, I don’t think she’s about to start now!”

There is a huge flood and a man sits on his roof. He starts panicking, knowing he can’t swim. This man happens to be a priest and decides that God will save him.

A lifeboat comes along asking the priest if he wants any help. The priest says, “No, God will save me”

A helicopter comes along asking the priest if he wants any help. The priest says, “No, God will save me”

A cruise liner comes along asking the priest if he wants any help. The priest says, “No, God will save me”

Half an hour later the priest is dead. He goes up to heaven and asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?”

“I SENT YOU A LIFEBOAT, A HELICOPTER AND A CRUISE LINER! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!!!!”

Q:what do you call a woman with braces?

A:a black & decker pecker wrecker

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a licking he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in front of him. He kicked the chicken and his mother saw him and said, “I saw that! You cannot have any chicken for a month.”

Later on in the barn - still mad- he kicked the pig he walked up to. His mother saw him again saying, “I saw that, young man. You can not have any pork for two months.”

The boy’s father was just getting off his tractor when a cat walked by. His father kicked the cat out of the way. The boy saw his mother heading in that direction and spoke out, “Ma you want to tell him or should I?”

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: “Quawwwwk… vus macht du… Yeah, du… outside, standing like a putzel… eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…”

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?”

Meyer turned, excitedly, to the store owner. “He speaks Yiddish?”

“Vuh den? Chinese maybe?”

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some, too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (**) was not the place for a bird, but the parrot made a terric argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”

Nothing happened.

“Daven . . . parrot, you can daven, so daven . . . come on, everybody’s looking at you!” Still nothing!

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing.

Finally, several blocks fromthe Temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

“You miserable bird! You cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?”

“Don’t be a schmuck,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, women, cars, planes, bonds and stocks; anything he wanted.

The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all of my money.”

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.” Still no one moves.

“OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house, and all my cars and planes.” Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time.

Ok then, all my money, my house, all my cars and planes, all of my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the pussy you can handle; everything I own.”

“SPLASH!” Someone’s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like tarzan - hes all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.

The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. “That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done! Do you want the money now or later?”
“I don’t want the money.”
“Do you want the house now or later?”
“I don’t want the house.”
“Do you want the cars or the planes?”
“Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?”
“I don’t want that either.”
“Do you want the girls now or later?”
“I don’t want the girls.”
The rich man looks at him and says, “Well, what the hell do you want?!?!”
“I want the mother-fucker that pushed me in.”