Jokes News

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.”

One thing that has always bugged me is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying, “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thith Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
AT&T: (click)

There was once a great actor who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years, he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk on the stage carrying a rose. Hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose. Sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ahhh, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, and the actor walks onto the stage. With great passion, he delivers his line: “Ahhh, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupts, the audience is screaming with laughter, and the director is steaming!!! “YOU BLOODY FOOL!” he cries. “YOU HAVE RUINED ME!”

The actor is bewildered. “What happened? Did I not say my line right?” he asked.

“NO!” the director screams, “YOU FORGOT THE BLOODY ROSE!!!”

Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an oil lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, “I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish.”

Ole says, “I vish I vas back on da farm.” Poof! Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, “I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole.” Poof! Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, “Sven, vat is your vish?”

Sven says, “Gee, I’m really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were here with me”.

————————————
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole’s house and saw a sign that said “Boat For Sale.” This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn’t own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

“Hey Ole,” said Sven, “I noticed da sign in your yard dat says ‘Boat For Sale,’ but ya don’t even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine.”

Ole replied, “Yup, and they’re boat for sale.”

————————————
One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, “Doc, I just don’t know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life just ain’t going dat vell.”

The doctor says, “Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you’re doing.”

So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, “Doc, dis is Ole.”

The doctor says, “Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?”

Ole says, “Yes.”

The doctor asks, “And has your sex life improved?”

Ole replies,”Well, how da hell vould I know? I’m seventy miles from home!”

————————————
Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?,” asked the operator.

Ole replied, “At da end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Ole said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?”

————————————
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing.

Ole said, “Let’s go a bit furder down stream.” So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home.

On the way home Sven said, “I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat, Ole.”

“You stupid,” said Ole, “How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time?”

————————————
Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang. Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, “Vell, how da hell should I know? Dats over 2,000 miles away!” and he hung up.

Lena say’s “who was dat Ole?”.

Ole say’s “Hell if I know! Some guy wants ta know if da coast is clear.”

This guy took his girlfriend home. He was sleeping in a bunkbed on the top and his little brother on the lower part. He climbed with his girlfriend on the bed and said to her, “Let’s peel the orange” — a password for her to start doing sex.

The younger brother heard this and said after a while, “I don’t care if you guys peel the orange, but you let the orange juice get into my eyes!”

One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later, he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. “What happened?” my mother asked.

“I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps.”

Have you read the book, “A Tiger’s Revenge” by Claude Balls?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

A man was getting concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished. What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out.

So he brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, daddy, that’s a penis”.

The man exploded! He couldn’t believe it! “You’re grounded for a year”, he exclaimed, “and you’re going to read the bible every day!”

He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, daddy, it’s a penis”

Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever.

Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked “Do you know what this is?”

“No, daddy, I don’t.”

“What a good girl! I’m very proud of you! I’m going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis.”

The girl laughed and said, “You call THAT a penis?!?”

This young man was going golfing one day, but he wasn’t very good. He had been hitting the ball in the rough, the water, and soon a sand trap. By the time he hit the sand trap he was very annoyed.

So he stood there swinging at the ball but missing and in the process digging a hole. Soon he hit something hard (not the golf ball). He bent over and dug it up to see what it was.

When he had it uncovered he found an old oil lamp. He thought to himself, and began to rub the lamp. To his surprise and delight a fat old Genie came from the lamp in a huge puff of smoke.

“Wow ten-thousand years in a lamp!! I have soo many things to do and to see!!”, exclaimed the Genie. “Now I know you want your three wishes, but I am going to be very busy, so if you write them down on a piece of paper I will get to them as soon as I can.”

The guy thought that would be fine, so he wrote down his three wishes, gave them to the Genie and went home.

A couple of weeks had passed since the encounter and the man had begun to forget about the Genie and his wishes. One day the man was at his house when the doorbell rang. There was a UPS man at the door with a very large package for him. The man signed for it and took it inside. He opened the package to find that it was a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal.

“Dates and Grain cereal, where the hell did this come from,” he wondered.

The man began looking through his things to see if he could find out where he had asked or ordered a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. While he was looking he came across his list of wishes. He looked at the first wish, 1: A Great Dane. “No, he thought to himself. He couldn’t be that dumb.” The Genie had given him Dates and Grain cereal instead of a Great Dane.

“Oh well, anyone can make a mistake,” he thought.

About a week later the man received another package, he signed for it and then opened it. He found a Zebco fishing rod.

“What is this, when did I get one of these,” exclaimed the man. He thought about what happened last time he got a package that he didn’t know about.
“My second wish was for a fast car not something that casts far!! That damn Genie!”

The next day the man was at his home when there was a knock at his door, he opened it and there was a guy standing at the door.

“Hi my name is Blob, Joe Blob, and I will be with you every saturday night from now on!”