Jokes News

First-
Get three pieces of paper. Write down your three favorite numbers on each peice. Then subtract your birth date, and add the number of letters in your first name.

Now, here’s the tricky part… put all the pieces of paper on top of each other and tear it down the middle(not through the writing). You now have six pieces of paper, repeat the following step. Now one by one lay all the pieces of paper crisscrosed in the bottom of a trash can…

THIS IS REALLY NEAT!!!

Scroll down………

Keep going

and going

further…

more…

continue…

STOP!!!

Now look down at the pieces of paper and tap your left shoulder. As you do this, try biting your right ear(continue tapping)…now repeat to yourself…

STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON STUPID CHAIN LETTERS!!!!

What happened to a Polish assassin who tryed to blow up a car?

He burned his lips

Jack went to the urologist and told him he was having a problem, in that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant’s trunk into Jack’s penis.

Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated tool. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to the nicest restaurant in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between he legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: “Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?”

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: “I think I can, but I’m not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass.”

Gals, when someone asks, “Why aren’t you married?” Here are some suggested retorts:

“You haven’t asked yet.”

“I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.”

“What? And spoil my great life?”

“Nobody would believe me in white.”

“Because I just love hearing this question.”

“Just lucky, I guess.”

“It gives my mother something to live for.”

“My fiance is awaiting parole.”

“I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.”

“Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?”

“I’m waiting until I get to be your age.”

“It didn’t seem worth a blood test.”

A single women is tired of one night stands that never end up in real relations. As she is complaining about it to her friend, she gets a piece of advice about how to handle men : “You know under their rough appearances, men are very sensitive! You have to reach that soft side of them to keep them.”

The single woman promises to her friend that she will try to do that the next time she goes out with a guy.

When she finally gets a guy and sleeps with him, she thinks it’s time to put her friend’s advice into practice. So she turns to her lover who’s still lying in the bed and says, “Hey honey! What would you like to call the little guy when I get pregnant?”

The guy first looks at her horrified but then shows a big smile on his face. He stands up, takes the used condom that he put on the side, throws bleach on it, ties it with a triple sailor knot, and finally throws it in the lavatory and flushes the toilet.

He then looks back at the woman and says, “If he gets out of there, call him MacGyver!”

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind.

Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground.

He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning “I need you.”

The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.

Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I got your message,” replied the foreman. “I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.”

A drunk walks into a bar and orders a large beer. After a few moments he stands up and yells, “Attorney’s are assholes.”

From the back of the room, another drunk stands up and says, “I resent that”.

The first drunk says, “Are you an attorney?”

The second drunk says, “No, I’m an asshole.”

There was this young boy who really liked going fast. So his parents bought him a tricycle. One day his brother came over with his brand new car. The young boy ran up to his brother and begged him to give him a ride in his new, fast car.

The brother said “How about this. I’ll tie your tricyle to the back of my car and I’ll pull down the street.”

The young boy accepted immediately. The arrangement was that the boy honks his little horn once for faster and a whole bunch of times to stop.

So the two start down the road. The boy honks a couple of times to go faster then honks a lot to stop. So the brother stops at a red light. Another car pulls up next to the car and a woman asks the brother “Do you wanna drag??”

“Sure thing, when the light goes green,” replied the brother.

The light turned green and the cars roared off. The small boy was honking his horn as fast as he could but the brother couldn’t hear him.

The cars drove by an old gas station with two old men sitting out front.

“WOW!! Did you see those cars?!?” exclaimed one of the men.

“Never mind that!!! Did you see the kid on the bike wanting to pass!!!!”

The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16 We’re working on that smell thing, too.

15 Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14 As seen on “COPS”

13 If we’d known you were staying all night, we’d have changed the sheets.

12 Not just for nooners anymore.

11 We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.

10 You rented the room, now buy the video.

9 Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.

8 We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!

7 Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try banging your secretary there on your salary, pal!

6 We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery better

5 It’s Hookerriffic!

4 Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3 Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2 Cheap and Easy — Just Like Your Mother

and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan …

1 We put the “Ho” in “Motel”

After the revivals had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodiest minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families.”

The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new families.”

The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest troublemakers!”